The Deep

Swirling, drifting, floating on the surface of a rough and vigorous tide, I am pulled into a swirling eddy, and I begin to descend and be pulled underneath into the depths. Underneath I become a different creature, blending with the foreign world that surrounds me, adapting to a place I did not choose to go. Is there a connection between my reality changing and the wanderings of a psychotic mind, adrift years back into worlds so bizarre and engulfing that I did not know my own name… or is this deep cold water filled with mind numbing emotion an answer waiting to unfold in my consciousness, while a lighter, warmer world that I left behind, above the shimmering silver reflection of sky that feels pressingly so far from this cold and lonely isolated world of salt and penetrating moisture, awaits me once again? As tangles of kelp slide from my bare ankles, I begin to rise toward the light, awaiting the breaking of the watery surface to return not just to land, but first a place where I can breathe; a place where I can know who I am, letting the dark watery illusions dry from my face which only wishes to know the bright and warm sun of consciousness.

Often I am dotting together patterns in my mind to connect to what I am really feeling. Currently I feel fluid and at peace with the moment and the day. Sometimes it is not that easy and I must struggle to understand and work through why I have had an overtaking of emotions in my body and mind. At times it feels that my mind has taken over my body and has attached itself to a feeling or emotion; that my mind has hitched a ride in my body and it feels someone else is driving and navigating through a complex maze inside of myself. Often when I have these strong feelings, my consciousness disagrees with what my lizard mind and emotions are trying so hard to argue. It is irrational, yet in some way this is coming out of me. Often I discover that the root feeling and emotion behind the display drives at a much deeper and core issue and this is why it does not make sense. The emotional mind is not rational, and I have learned that through mindfulness it is important to try and balance and integrate these two parts. To breathe in the moment and not let either the emotional or rational sweep you away into a complete emotionally charged pull or a disconnected rational place that is not taking into account any sort of deeper connection to our root desires.

For me, it is the emotional mind that often is more powerful, and as my rational mind knows clearly what I want to choose or believe, there is often a strong and deeper emotional drive that takes over as another part of my mind fills in the blanks quite incorrectly to match these deeper emotional issues. One of the core and root needs present underneath these emotional surges that are making arguments that I do not want or desire to really make, is an unworthiness; a need for validation, a deep fear of being alone and not being strong, and a lack of Faith in myself, that I can’t exist as a worthy person on this planet. I have deep issues concerning my “gift” or “differently-abled-ness” that come from not being able to graduate college, to work a full time job, have a family, or contribute what I wish I could fully to this world. All of these things have underwritten a core belief that I am not good enough and cannot function on my own and independently. I am worthy, though there have been moments where I am helpless and need endless support from others. Thank the universe for my loving family, dogs, and especially Steve my love and my Doctor/ Therapist Ann.

As I come to the surface, and I feel the light enter my pores, I float and circle out of the eddy and wash up on a soft and fertile piece of land that knows my body, and my mind returns to peace as the sun bakes the salt on my face. I lie there wondering what has happened, where did I go, why did I have those vivid and engulfing violent dreams? I know I am safe, here, I know what I want, need and truly believe. In the distance I hear the flowing of the tide and a faraway scream as someone is pulled into the depths after me. Is there a way for me to reach them? And what of next time I am pulled under? Perhaps I should invest in some snorkel gear; yes this would prove helpful and ultimately beneficial. I stand, my toes penetrating the soft moist sand and walk to my car… onward on a search for protection, light, faith, and perhaps a pair of goggles.