Bless the Mess

Sometimes a day in the life is messy, tired, and it is just what it is. I have been embracing the concept that life is messy. I know that fear and shame and anger are the recipe for rage. I have rage. Everyone has fears, I certainly can entertain these, but I also have shame. Shame usurps me, engulfs me, often from expectations that I am not meeting from the patterns of my upbringing. I have suffered from many things in this life. I have had an eating disorder, I have had depression, bipolar disorder and psychosis, I have an addiction, a slight amount of post-traumatic stress, and rage. My concern often is the anger and the way I can react to it, but all of these things are interconnected and affect each other. So many people are suffering, and many of them do not even know what they are suffering from, some are so tuned out, distracted and in denial that they do not even know that they are suffering. I suppose that I have it going for me that I am aware of these issues, trying to learn how to live with them, and preventing the actions that spring from them that are destructive and harmful.

I love spirituality. I love the searching for deeper meaning, the lessons, the principles, and the goal that they set out before me to give me something to achieve and attain. I love yoga, meditation, prayer and worship. In the past I have reveled in a million self-help books and now I love to study religion. I know that this does not make me cool, and I can proudly say that this really doesn't bother me at all. Many years of my life were filled with achieving the coolness and popularity that dominated being accepted by other completely flawed human beings. But Jesus and nature love me just as I am. I however feel that I need to solve some things to love myself unconditionally. Unconditional love for myself is my ultimate goal. It is what I intend to spend all of my time and pursuit trying to achieve. I am good. What! Really? This can’t be!!! Whatever, I will get there. It hurts and it is the hardest thing that I have ever tried to accept. Do I love myself and all of my messes? What God would really think that this was a good idea? Life is supposed to be neat, immaculate and perfect. I am none of these things. I am striving to see the absolute imperfect beauty of all of my messes. And bless them. Bless me. Bless everyone who can love themselves despite their stench, their utter raggedness and destitution. Bless them if they don’t know how and still need to. A dear friend once told me the reason she can reach out to others, the reason she has no fear in approaching and talking to anyone is because no one could be uglier than she, with all of the horrible things she has done. That is the point. We all deserve love in spite of ourselves, and love and acceptance is the only thing that will enable us to approach cleaning up or accepting the mess. Bless the mess and bless you.