A Way Towards The Light

These last seven years have been quite the journey. I have had four mental health breakdowns or psychotic breaks, and Steve has dealt with a myriad of health issues. First, he had his surgery in 2017, and there was a lot of struggle and preparation for that to happen. He qualified for disability just in time to cover the cost of his major spinal surgery. Then he developed a chronic lung issue and COPD. Then he developed neurological issues where he did not have balance or equilibrium. He also was treated for his neuropathy. Then he was diagnosed with stage two lung cancer which we are currently dealing with at this time. Quitting drinking, cutting back on smoking, and quitting all gluten has improved Steve’s breathing considerably, and he is doing better now than in quite a while, even while dealing with the cancer. I myself became completely sober just over two years ago, and becoming sober and attending recovery meetings every day has helped me develop patience, confidence, and balance with my life and my mental illness. I have not put out a second book as I was hoping, but I have been continuing to write on this blog, and it has been a great pleasure to write here, and to witness those of you who are reading it.

I am writing all of this down, because through all of these experiences, time has been in a bit of a lapse. These last ten years have flown by. I have spent hours sitting in the woods or down by the willow tree. I have attended meetings every day since 2019 while developing new connections with people all over the country and world. We have continued to have annual family gatherings for birthdays and holidays. It has been a growthful time, and one of great healing. I have continued to walk and attend the gym, and attend some sort of worship gathering on Sundays. I don’t really know where all the time has gone, but I suppose that is part of getting older, as is dealing with health issues for yourself and your loved ones. I regret that in some ways I have recoiled from community and friends. With the health issues and the pandemic, I don’t tend to participate in community events quite as much. But I am happy and safe, and grateful to have the connections I do with people in the community, my family, and friends in AA.

Today is beautiful. It is sunny and gorgeous outside. I did not go for a cold plunge in the pond, but I got up and went to a meeting, and then went down to the gym for a three mile walk on the treadmill and a warm down on the bike. I started walking again on the ferry during Steve’s cancer protocol as we are calling it. So, I decided to continue walking, and on the treadmill there is a nice give to the ground verses walking on the hard road. It would have been nice to be outside today, but as I sit here and write, I have the window open, and the beautiful sunshine is shining in my eyes. In the recent past, I have mostly ridden the bike or done the elliptical, but walking and its gentle rhythm and exertion allows me to go longer. I tend to keep it to an hour and a half these days, and am really trying to stay as active as possible. I have managed to get my weight back under control, and hope to possibly lose a little more with this new habit and eating better. I have to say though, that I really do love myself just the way I am. AA has shown me how to do this, to savor the day, live one day at a time, and to build the self confidence I need to love my body and value my appearance, among other things.

Steve and I may be disabled, but we live a wonderful life. Now, we are both sober, and learning to love and accept each other all over again. Through these hard times, we have become closer, and we have have grown up. Steve did amazing in his forties and fifties, working a full time job and keeping up with me, a wild one in my twenties and thirties. Now we have the opportunity with our disabilities and retirement, to sit with each other in true appreciation, acceptance and love. His love for me keeps me going every single day, and I am eternally grateful for his love and having him as a constant in my life. In the darkness, we find ways to seek out the light, and we develop roots that grow deep into the earth. I believe we have grown many rings of our inner trees, as we have struggled and suffered and healed these last seven plus years. Life is good, and gratitude almost falls short in describing all that I have in my simple life. But I am grateful. Happy holidays to you and your loved ones, and if you are suffering today, try and see all of the growth that is possible in your personal darkness and suffering. You will find the light in your searching and struggling, and you will be stronger because of it. Peace is but a moment, or a breath, away.