Nature and Nurture

A great question that we all ask at some point in our lives, if we suffer from addiction or mental illness, is, “Is this a disease, or is this my nature?” Essentially this is a question of nature verses nurture, and even if you do not suffer from one of these afflictions, you may find yourself having this debate at some point in your life regarding your childhood, your cancer, your chronic fatigue syndrome or arthritis, or another ailment. What makes us who we are, essentially? Is it our choices and our childhood, or is it genetics? In the debate on mental illness, specifically my schizoaffective disorder, I know that at some point it became genetic. Science has taught me that at some point during a time of great stress, most likely my first year at college, I triggered the gene of mental illness. I had a major psychotic break, and then was very much mentally ill, although I did not receive a diagnosis for about four years. I did, however, suffer from major depression, anxiety, and psychosis before this event occurred in my life. Could this also have been genetic? And then there is the question of alcoholism. It runs in my family lineage on both sides. I believe because I was told at a young age that I most likely would be alcoholic, I was guarded against this becoming so. I tried to manage my drinking from a young age. The dual diagnosis however, of suffering chronic mental illness by the age of eighteen, and the predisposition to alcoholism, caused me to drink away the emotional pain of being mentally ill. This worked for a time because I was young and resilient, but by my thirties I knew I wanted to stop, and it was not as easy as I would have imagined. Waffling for several years, I eventually found my way back to recovery from alcohol at the age of forty, and have been there ever since.

I was a moody child. I also responded to stress by internalizing it and becoming physically ill. I would often throw up from nerves, and it was normal for me to do so. I would get car sick, plane sick, and motion sickness as well. I built an armor at an early age because I so wanted to be tough. At the age of eight I began to identify as non-binary, and tried to always fit in with the boys. This stressed my system. I did a lot of athletics, and private school was demanding along with extra curricular activities. My junior year I discovered visual art and improv, and this helped me express myself. I suffered an eating disorder my first two years of high school, and then switched from my Jesuit prep school to an arts school, and found my way towards healing. Unfortunately, I suffered an episode of major depression my senior year. I still managed good grades and to be admitted to all three colleges I applied to. There was always a pull and a tug between me being sick and me being tough. But by the age of seventeen, I was very much breaking down. My attitude towards achievement and the expectations that I had of myself around appearance and performance, contributed greatly to my mental illness. But it just being that, I may have recovered. The stress of leaving the home, becoming an adult, traveling to California for school, trying to fit in and make friends, taking seven courses and two sports my first semester, just pushed me completely over the edge. At this point it became about genetics. I carry a gene that is predisposed to making me mentally ill. My grandpa on my dad’s side was mentally ill, as is my aunt on my mom’s side. Some people suffer greatly, but overcome diagnosis and recover if they are careful with themselves. But not me. I was not a pansy. I went back my second semester though I should never have done so. I took fewer classes and stopped sports, but the scales had already tipped so far, over my whole lifetime, that it became my fate to have mental illness.

I have read that they decided long ago that schizophrenia was not caused by trauma in childhood. Originally this was thought to be the case. I myself had a beautiful and almost perfect upbringing. There were a few bad moments, but I had loving parents who provided for me, sent me to good schools, and we traveled the world together. Many many happy moments of christmases filled with generous presents, long days at the ski slopes, spring breaks in Hawaii, eating all over the world on our travels, and so much love. I can’t even explain how lucky I feel to have lived such a good childhood. Recently, I was astonished that both my parents expressed that they were very proud of me. I was shocked to hear this. I have chronic mental illness and am a recovered alcoholic. I was sure that I fell short in making them proud. But they love me and see that I am a good and loving and generous and kind human being. So, they are proud. The moral here is, no matter what your lot in life, whether you suffer the disease of alcoholism or addiction, or whether you have mental illness, or both, there is room for recovery. There is opportunity to live the best you can today, and while building one day upon another, you may find that those around you actually love you and see you as worthy. I believe that my alcoholism and my mental illness are both diseases brought on by genetics. But nurture played a huge roll in my finding recovery. At first the trauma of my mental illness caused me to drink, very much nurture, but I was pre-disposed to having an addictive personality and this made it harder to quit, hence nature. Stress upon my emotional, mental, physical, and spiritual systems from a young age made it more likely for me to trigger my “schizoaffective gene”. The fact that I have mental illness is because it is in my family on both sides, and current science supports this. I ended up with a chronic condition that I manage, but that does not go away. It is an epic debate, nature verses nurture, but in my opinion, nature comes first. We have a choice in how we nurture ourselves. All of the positive nurturing I have received in this life, has definitely helped me be the person I am today. Nurture plays a huge roll in who we are, but when it comes to chronic illness, genetics, along with brain chemistry, are at the root of what ails us.

This then frees me of blame and guilt. I am who I am, and I can love myself and be proud. There is nothing wrong with who we are, but stigma and shame have us hiding in the corners away from society believing that we are essentially flawed. That is anything but the case. Mental illness and addiction have two sides. There are two sides to every coin. We are extremely sensitive, creative, and spiritual people, if fed the right love and ingredients we need to prosper in this life. Accepting the fact that genetics are the reason I am who I am, I can then lean on nurture to help me become the person I was always meant to be; loved, healed and spreading love and healing to others.