The Simple River of Life

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Well, I have restarted my journey in sobriety once again, and I am on day eleven today. There is so much strength to be found in the statements of “One day at a time”, and “Living life on life’s terms”. Truly, in my recovery both with mental illness and alcoholism, I am learning to live every day for today. I am blessed in this life to have my needs met, and on this “river" of sober wellness and recovery, I can slow down and not think too much. I can take every day as it comes, for there are very few things on my calendar, and I do not have a job nor am I volunteering currently. I can choose in the morning, every day, what it is I wish to do or accomplish based on how I am feeling, day to day, moment to moment. I may spend the morning down at the willow tree, head out for a long walk, lounge in bed when the mornings feel rough, write in my office as I am doing now, or plug away at simple chores. Day to day, I can live intuitively, and ask my higher power what is in store for me this day and this day only. I can say prayers or meditate in order to live within this intuition while practicing loving kindness towards myself and thus others. I have been given this gift of security, and I can choose wellness at every turn.

Today, I am choosing the slow and gentle path. Yesterday, I spent a few hours down on a sandy beach, and the tide was high and clear over the sand. I walked into the water and got down on my knees as the cold water covered me up to my shoulders. I sat there for about 15 minutes two different times, while talking to my friend and taking in the sunny day. I was so busy and distracted this last summer, that I never made it into the crisp and cold waters of the Salish Sea, as I normally do over and over in the summer here on Lopez. Instead, I was consumed with worry about my partner’s health, and very focused on making it to the gym three to four days a week. I wore myself out with house chores, watering the small trees on the property during the drought (several times), and my extensive workouts. I was very worried about my partner, who is now doing much better than he was. I never made it out to swim, even in the extreme heat. So, yesterday was such a treat. I am eternally grateful for this wonderful experience in nature and within those salty and healing waters.

My intuition wants me to break the patterns of my addiction. My addiction is telling me that I am not enough. My addiction is telling me that I must work and harness self-will in order to try and be better and healthier. It tells me that I should be and act differently. That I should strive towards the goals of a healthier body and a cleaner house. But this is not the healing path. When I pause and listen to my body, I am healthier. Sometimes, I need to try, in order to hear what my body is telling me, because it is beneath side effects. I thought the best way was to push past these side effects as I was forced to do for all of 2020, when I was on a different medication that had debilitating side effects of sluggishness and drowsiness. The situation is better now, and I have found that aggressively pushing through side effects can be harmful. Naturally, after years of practice, I do not have an issue with exercise. I always want to be out on a walk. I am walking now mostly, and am taking a break from the gym. I find walking to be more intuitive, and I enjoy being outside. I worked too hard towards success this summer, and it has been almost a month long journey to tune back into my delicate being. Trying harder has proven to only feed my character defects and strengthen the behavior of addiction in my life.

Tuning into my body physically through rest and meditation, leads to the intuitive lifestyle that I wish to inhabit. Letting the floor get a little dirty, and turning a blind eye to the clutter, can also aid in me listening to myself and in the enjoyment of the day. Overwhelming myself with plugging away at my goals can breed catastrophe. This last summer, it led to a relapse and burn out. It is clear that I have an opportunity to learn. I can move forward with the goal of feeling my body, and I can actively listen, while employing the skill of intuition. I have been telling myself, “You have everything you need and no obligations. You have the amazing gift to live life however you wish!” Why then to I torture myself so? It comes back to the flaws of lack of self-acceptance, the need of approval of others, self judgement and judgement in general, perfectionism, and control. All this is hiding behind achieving goals that I think will make me better and healthier. As you can see, this approach does not work. The antidotes are: loving acceptance towards myself and others, accepting the messes and the beautiful imperfectness of my surroundings, and giving up control. Having faith. I must trust in life and my higher power that I will be okay. When I lose myself and my intuition, I lack the skills to rest, pray and meditate. This journey of recovery is unfolding before my eyes. So, I hope that my skills of intuition and acceptance strengthen, as I truly learn to live one day at a time, and to accept life and all it has to offer in its beautiful imperfection. Let me give up the striving, and learn to flow on the river of life that is natural, pure, simple and real. I hope to listen better, and learn to love myself just as I am.