We are closing in on the longest night of the year. The holidays are an intense time, but they can also be very rewarding and nourishing if approached correctly. Today I slept in, and I plan to sit and meditate by a candle, walk the dog around the property, attend a couple recovery meetings, and write this blog. I am embracing the dark feelings that I have, even in the light of the day. I am having to be closely aware of my tendencies to fall away from my center. I have mental illness, and clues can show their faces around becoming ill or symptomatic on a level that is subtle, but important to manage. The reason that it is so important, is that there is usually momentum that can build so very quickly when I am unwell. If I don’t watch for and manage these cues, I become at risk of instability.

I have a lot of grief around instability caused by mental illness. I feel I would be a better aunt, daughter, sister, and partner if I did not become unwell and then shut down. The reality is that this has been the case throughout my life. I so desperately do not want to be summed up as “schizoaffective”. I desperately do not want to live up to the stigma that comes along with my label or diagnosis. And when I am unfortunate enough to miss the small clues and cues that my illness provides before I become symptomatic, I fear that I will become this person that I don’t want to be. I have a hard time explaining to family and employers that I cannot function, and need to pull out of obligations. There is shame in my past when I have had to do such things. That is why I take my illness extremely seriously, even at times when I am doing exceptionally well.

Clues that I am at risk of developing stronger symptoms are; having trouble with sleep, losing interest in eating, feeling fatigue from pushing myself too hard at the gym or being busy, becoming nauseous, sensing that my mind is entertaining thoughts that are not real, becoming obsessive, crying or becoming angry, testy, or reactive. The point that I am trying to drive home for myself in this blog, is that it is important to care for my mental health, and if I need to make some micro-adjustments in my life to be simpler and less “all that”, then I should do so immediately. Perhaps it doesn’t need to be so insanely complicated. I must have compassion for myself, accept that I need to slow down, and also accept help or assistance without shame. I myself work a twelve step program, and I can always find a place to land, stable or unstable, in these rooms. My life revolves around these meetings, and it is a good place for me to center my focus. I attend to addiction, but also my mental health. I can or should feel a sense of accomplishment for simply attending meetings. Today I wanted to go to the gym, or usually would, but it felt smart to take it easy and set up a different plan for my day. Meditation by a candle, some writing, and meetings, are what I need in order to be gentle with my potentially unstable self. I have noticed a few of these minor clues or cues pop up in my reality, and I must take my foot off the gas pedal. It may seem minor, but it is not when you have a clinical mental diagnosis. I must take my mental health seriously, because it is extremely unfortunate when I fall prey to an episode.

That being said, everyone, or almost everyone, has difficulty in December. It is good for me to normalize my experience, and I wish to not have shame when I need to closely manage my mental health. If anything, I can feel pride. Taking all my medications and dealing with the side effects, managing my symptoms, attending therapy, psychiatry, twelve step meetings, and keeping myself honest with those that live around me (even if it is difficult to explain), is an actual job, and I should definitely be proud of myself. We all should be proud of ourselves as we battle the darkness this season. Tell yourself that each micro-accomplishment is amazing, because even in our subtle successes we are succeeding. It is far better than failing. It is extremely important to find value even in little things. May you find value and love this holiday season, and keep your heart and eyes on the horizon as we anticipate the return of the light.