The Condition of the "Unnamed"

I awoke this morning to a room full of chores. Yesterday, I did successfully wash and change the sheets on the bed, and this morning, by 9am, have dealt with the compost, trash, and recycling, loaded the pickup for the dump run, and picked up all the poop in the yard to ready it for a much needed mow. My dogs wandered up to the road; you could say I gave them permission to take themselves for their own walk, the two old boys. I looked the other way and let them take a wander of their liking.

I have had many paranoid delusions, as I have worked my way off of a very intense drug called quetiapine furmerate, and introduced and adjusted to a new drug called olanzapine. During this transition period, where I have been dealing with symptomatic irritation, I have also become increasingly balanced, and I believe the new drug is working very well. I may have even reached my desired dosage. If not, I am close. Suffering with paranoia, it seems aggressive outbreaks are very linked with this feeling. Also, as I deal with coming out as Trans and experience gender dysphoria, I too am journeying further into sobriety, where there I am dealing with a level of alcoholic narcissistic insanity, and thus I have had to continue to work on my self and my behavior, through it all. All of these things are true.

In A.A., Alcoholics Anonymous, in the Twelve Traditions, which is essentially the code of rules or guidelines to which the fellowship abides, we are collectively discussing and bringing into a group consciousness, right now, what an “outside issue” entails. Tradition Ten reads: “Alcoholics Anonymous has no opinion on outside issues; hence the A.A. name ought never be drawn into public controversy.” What does this mean? I have been told there there are certain rules to follow in A.A , like that you should have a sponsor of the same gender, or that racism, mental illness, and homosexuality qualify as outside issues. Perhaps we can embrace this Tradition in the simple words that it holds for us, stating that A.A. has “no opinion”. Tradition Three states: “The only requirement for membership is a desire to stop drinking”, Tradition Five states: “Each group has but one primary purpose — to carry its message to the alcoholic who still suffers”, and then Tradition Six describes the route to losing our purpose in the words: “An A.A. group ought never endorse, finance, or lend the A.A. name to any related facility or outside enterprise, lest problems of money, property, or prestige divert us from our primary purpose.”

I feel, that the statements: “outside enterprises” and “opinion on outside issues” sound too similar, as both use this word, “outside”. But, as an average person and alcoholic who struggles with personal issues such as addiction, mental illness, and other psychological, psychosomatic, and physical issues, I know that my personal issues remain personal, hence they are “inside” of me. Then arises the age old problem, when does a personal issue become political? How do we avoid writing policy and legislation as a country or a fellowship like A.A., that does not effect people personally. There simply are no “outside issues” in my opinion. Not when you realize that as one human body, we are a collective, that feels and evolves from the inside. When we organize our A.A. experience, as we have been doing for some time now, into People of Color meetings, Dual Diagnosis meetings, and GLBT+ and TRANS meetings, we are simply acknowledging that we align personally with issues within our inner selves and identities, and that in effect these issues are very relevant to our alcoholism and/or addiction recoveries.

I am hesitant to accept in my own thinking, that Alcoholic is a valid identity. The goal personally, is to remove this problem. Contrarily, as a schizoaffective patient of over twenty years, this diagnosis and label is very important to me. This label remains on the “outside” of me.  My Alcoholic and Schizoaffective identities, I may never escape, this is clear. However, these are my labels. Another label is TRANS, and another Christian. All of these things describe a personal experience. These are categories that I use to identify my inner issues, and I wear them only in the hopes to someday transcend them. So, as I return to the words anonymity and honesty, I ask myself to check my labels at the door, headed in, and headed out. If I am alone, and blank, perhaps the fellowship will find me there. But if you have an opinion about who I choose as my sponsor, or what I need to talk about concerning my personal issues as I discuss my recovery, than you need to walk back to the threshold and check yourself and/or opinion. 

“Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions” is an amazing read that may help one in understanding the way the Fellowship of A.A. created guidelines in order to keep our egos and politics in check as a community. Thank you for letting me discuss A.A. freely on my personal blog, and I hope this day finds you balanced and hopeful, on your own personal recovery journey.