In All Honesty

The season is moving forward and at 5:14 pm we are in full darkness. In the PNW we have yet to see any snow, but that hasn’t stopped me from getting all my Christmas gifts in order. There is a lot to be grateful for this season. I have a warm and well cared for home. I have family that is growing in their understanding of my mental illness, and showing their support. This in itself is a great gift. In past years I have felt alone, though I have always had Steve at my side. My AA support community seems to be there in all sorts of ways; the occasional text, the meetings, and the phone conversations. 

Currently I am going down on a med, a very prominent med in my regime. My doctor said that I may become emotional, but to know that this is just a side effect of lowering the medication and to hang in there. It has been over a week, and I just noticed some increased emotion today. It came up in an AA meeting, which is a safe and healthy place to have emotions, for that I am grateful. It is a big deal, to lower medications. I must have increased awareness and compassion for my mind and body as I adjust. For all that I am balancing, time with family, gym sessions, chores, and rest, I must fully realize that adjusting medications is no small thing. Today I am allowing for that space to take it easy. I must not expect too much from myself, and I know that I am doing amazingly while simply existing.

This always seems to be the challenge. How do I find meaning in the spaces between notes? How do I shrug my shoulders when I cannot pull it together for 10 am church, or when I feel tired and cannot excel in my cleaning or exercise? I have written about this before. I must push through the majority of the time. I must fight the sluggishness or drowsiness from my medications and encourage myself to get something done; walk the dog, take out the trash, or go to the gym. The other side effects I deal with are dry mouth and constipation. At night the dry mouth can become unbearable, and I must go to extensive lengths to adapt to and correct my constipation. On top of that, I am highly sensitive and I need more rest when I get in a big workout or do a lot of cleaning or chores. It is a constant battle to know when to push myself forward, and when to sit back and relax, allowing things to just be. Often I am am not completely conscious when it comes to making all the adjustments necessary for these side effects, and I can become worn out from dealing with the side effects only. I never really know how I am truly feeling. Also, I become bored when I need to rest and avoid stimulation. Often this means avoiding reading and watching TV. Activities that may seem restful to another human, just stimulate me in a way that is the opposite from restful. But if I take time out, I can recover and try something again, whether it is a chore, a tv show, or physical activity.

When I feel this way, like I am not in touch with myself, and that I know not if I have pushed myself over the edge or if I am being too sedentary, my program encourages me to lean on mindfulness activities like meditation or prayer. It would be a good idea for me to listen to this advice. One thing we learn in AA, is to know that we do not have all the answers, to keep humble, and our minds open to trying new things. I go to a lot of meetings and this seems to work for me. I also attend church when I can. Today I took some time and sat outside with my dog and just breathed in the cold winter air, and stared out at the valley. Sitting outside is usually how I work in mindfulness or meditation in my day to day, though it is easy to skip it this time of year in the rain and cold. Perhaps after writing this, I can take my own advice and set up a place to meditate indoors. I also practice mindfulness when I am sitting in the bath, and I do this almost daily. Still, I need more than meetings, church, and the occasional bath to keep me grounded and in tune within this complex illness which I live with. Let that be the moral of this post, then. For myself and for anyone else who needs to hear it. Find a time and place everyday where you can just sit and take a few moments to listen to your mind and body, and discover exactly where you are at, in all honesty.