Eyes On Heaven

Pixabay

Today I have the house to myself. I can feel the empty space. It is very soothing. Not just because of the pandemic, but due to my husband also becoming physically disabled, there is usually the two of us home, all day, together. I can feel the absence of human presence in my home. I used to feel this a lot, when my partner worked full-time and I did not work. I have worked several different jobs throughout these years together (twenty three), and have also spent many months unemployed.

One of the things I do when I am alone, is tune into my pets. I currently have two elderly male dogs, large, and one cat in mid-life. The solitude is welcomed, and not deafening, because of my animals’ gentle presence. In my current program, other than revisiting making prayer and the focus on a higher power, or for me God, the focus of my life, I am working on giving myself some credit. One of the reasons that I have not heard the ‘message’ from God to move forward with my second self-publishing book project, is because I have not given myself true credit or self-appreciation for the things that I have accomplished. At the heart of my recovery; is an accomplishment disorder and issues with high expectations. At eight and a half months sober, one of my best friends died from COVID, and I was thrust into an existential crises, or you could even say a mid-life crises. I have been on the tip of a midlife crises since 2016, though, when I was thirty seven. Now on day 27, at year 42, I am beginning the program over at step one and at square one. I don’t like to focus too much on the fact that I had assembled eight and a half consecutive months completely sober, or that my first sober date was 7-11-19. I have steadily been attending at least three meetings a week since that date, minus my time spent away in January, February, and 1/2 of March in 2021. My friend who passed away, who I met in 2008, and who had not been in my life since 2017, effected and affected me, more than I could have ever imagined. He was my teacher and confidant. He helped nurture my lost and very broken dream of becoming a performance musician, and helped me in so many other ways. He could cut through bullshit and had incredible discernment, no matter how great his personal flaws.

Still, most of the time spent with my dear friend was intoxicated, to some degree. Not always, of course, for he worked at the bar, his son came to school at the day care I worked at, and he would drop him off in the morning before going to work. We would drive together to his mom’s in Bellingham. In the end, we were attempting sobriety around the same time, and had that in common. I have recovered from the shock of his death, and I am back in the program and doing quite well. I have never resisted accepting the fact of death the way that I refused to accept the death of this friend. Since I already struggle with reality and psychosis, it did not help my mental illness to reject reality in this way. In the end, after weeks spent talking to myself and yelling to the trees out on my porch, I started stating out loud with affirmation; circa: “Kevin is dead! You are dead, dammit.” I started “coming back”. I had other friends die recently; Colette, Ari, and Tobin… and I had to convince myself that they were actually dead, as well. I literally had to pull my head out of heaven, so to speak. I have grown much from addressing death in this way - even if I had to start my sobriety over on day one, landing my self once again in step one; giving up the denial of my alcoholism and accepting powerlessness.

I am enjoying this day, all to myself. I had a long talk with my sponsor, and a nice walk with my dogs. Chores elude me, and I am enjoying simply existing. At least I have learned to do this over these last five years of self-reflection and discovery. One day at a time, enjoy the little things, and don’t forget to pray. God-bless you on your journey of wellness and recovery today, and god-bless all those whose journey and/or recovery in the world ended all too soon. I hope you are looking down upon us from heaven today, and watching over us in peace.