A Full Life

I am moved deeply by melancholy music. Lately I have been listening to Brandy Clark religiously in the morning. I do not tire of her sweet sultry voice, and Spotify, which a subscribe to, has put together a long playlist compilation of her albums. Music helps me immeasurably with just getting through the day. Sometimes I listen to playlists that I have created, but I also have been known to listen to pop artists such as Miley Cyrus, Taylor Swift, and Britney Spears when I need a little lift while doing the dishes, folding the laundry, or while plodding down the road putting one foot in front of another. Still, Brandy Clark has been singing recent anthems to my melancholy state. She helps me with deeper and softer emotions that lay on my heart.

Things are okay. My floors and bathrooms are not even close to clean, but my dishes are done and my laundry his clean, folded and put away. I’ve learned to let some things go, and Al-Anon is teaching me to set good boundaries with others as well as with myself. Recently, I asked for coverage for my once weekly job of leading the tech and being the chair for an in-person AA meeting here on Lopez. I usually spend a couple hours every Saturday afternoon setting up, running the meeting, and breaking it down. I love this position, and it is the closest thing I have to a job right now. I was sitting my friend’s dog three-four days a week as well, but sadly her elderly little Benny has passed from this world recently. With my mother returning from India with a broken shoulder, my sister being home alone with the kids as Andre is in France, and my father just being elderly as well and cooking weekly for him, my plate recently filled up with service for my family. This feels good, but I also want to be present with Steve who is “crippled” now, and my dog and cat who need my love and attention. I also need to be present with myself, and make time to attend my many online recovery meetings. This feeds my soul, and I want to be present at these meetings, because it is as if my stress and troubles are absorbed by the rooms. It is magical and healing, and I am so grateful for these meetings.

Even though my standards are not being met right now for how clean my house is, I believe that letting things go is right for finding peace and serenity in my life. I recently overcame a small episode and a medications adjustment, and I really am doing everything that I can. I clean up the poop in the yard, deal with the garbage, recycle and compost, cook and do dishes, keep up on the laundry, and do the bathrooms when I can. I also support Steve throughout the day, and though I am hesitant to take on the title of “caregiver”, essentially there are times when I am filling this role. Because I love him and owe my life to him for so many reasons; from years of him lugging the majority of the weight financially as well as within the home, I simply see it as love and caring that comes naturally. Steve has held my hand through my tempests, and done the majority of cooking and household chores for decades. I of course contributed both financially and with the chores when I could, but I also was allowed to pursue my soul searching with taking classes, painting, gardening, and learning to train myself to exercise while attending yoga, going swimming, hiking, and going to the gym. I have always had limits with what I could achieve due to my mental illness or “stress disorder”. Steve let me shop, take art classes, and go on road trips. He has loved me and supported me while encouraging me to find myself and to solve my deep need for soul searching, being creative, and finding whatever I needed to find while living a life growing up with mental illness. I worked when I could. But I was able to do so much more than survive because of his support. I am eternally grateful for the love that this man has given me in this life. So yes, I do my best to care for him in his current state. I do so because I love him, respect him, and out of loyalty to the man of my dreams who is my soulmate, not because I owe him anything or feel obligated.

The season is changing around me, and I have enjoyed listening to the geese at dusk through my open window. It is not always easy for me to witness the change to Spring, and often I will experience symptoms. I need to find solace and comfort where I can. I am increasingly impressed and amazed at my family for their understanding and support, and their acceptance of me living with acute mental illness. I also have Steve, Titi my cat, and Jay. Both the cat and the dog are my emotional support animals. Steve, though physically disabled, is always there for me as a mental and emotional support. I rely on him while making confessions around having thoughts that are not based in reality, as well as for encouragement to honor my personal boundaries. Lately, I have been increasingly able to set good boundaries without any assistance or support, and for this I thank Al-Anon. Attending meetings since the beginning of October 2024, I have experienced a huge transformation in this program. My next step is to get a sponsor, and I am working up the courage to ask someone, while fine tuning who I think might be a good fit. Recovery is my top priority, as well as Steve and my pets. With this tight knit support, I am finding that I am living a full and enriched life even while mentally ill.