Illusions In the Wind

I am trying to let myself slow down, and pray and meditate. I am constantly amazed at the level to which perspective changes and influences our lives. I am fond of a quote from a Bob Dylan song, “When will we wake up and strengthen the things that remain….” What I am finding is that the longer that I spend seeking sobriety in my life, the more I am awakening. I am becoming more spiritual, and I am starting to see and appreciate what I am; not what I am not. I suppose gratitude plays a part in developing a secure sense of self. It seems that when I am less mentally stable, I spend a lot more time in anguish. Healing, and becoming sober, means restoring these old resentments that we didn’t quite realize were ruling our lives in the shadows. And then there is projection; the hidden shame that went unexamined that created false realities, fears and stories, that kept me from living in the present. Eventually, I have to learn to tell myself that I am okay, am going to be okay, and to really believe it.

While “strengthening the things that remain”, I eventually observe all of the things that I am doing right in life, not all of my flaws and failures. As the shadows come into the light, and the wicked witch dissolves in the water, I am not only able to respond to what God wishes me to respond to, I am able to embrace it further, and to evolve. When we are captured in addictive cycles, or destructive self-talk and action, we can become blind to the opportunities for happiness that lie right under our noses. Instead of striving for something that I do not have because I am locked into a belief system that is telling me what I am not, I begin to take action on all of the small yet profound things that I am actually doing right in life. In a sense, as I become rational and humble, I am able to see, and to build on, the core of my life. I am able to see the simple structure or bones of my existence, and then build upon this foundation. With God as my aid, I can begin to trust that if do what is pleasing to God, as well as trust that there is divine timing to everything, I then participate in what is essential. This substance of who I am is good, and the more that I pray, the more I build up what I am essentially made of, the more whole I become. There is divine purpose to all that my life is and should be.

As I sit at my desk, I gaze upon a small picture of my face when I was newly born. When I look at this photo I tell myself, “how could you not love that baby?”. This baby is deserving of love, and has not done anything wrong. This baby is good. This baby is me. I am taken back to my essence. That is the miracle of God. We are born perfect beings. Perhaps we need to fall back on this essence, because during those moments that we came into this world, and the long moments that followed, we were perfect. My point is that, even though life becomes more complicated as we develop into adult human beings, there is a set of bones, a foundation that is set inside of everything that we do. If I meditate and pray enough, I may be able to see and tap into this glowing essence that is in all that I am a part of.

Lately, when I am faced with making a big decision about life, and I am unsure of my footing, I have decided that waiting is a valid response. I am not necessarily waiting for the voice of God to come out of the clouds and tell me exactly what I am to do. I have decided to trust the voice inside of myself, to know when something feels just right, and to watch for and listen for the signs. Things happening in their own divine timing, is much more rewarding than willing things to happen. God is guiding my life. And when I am forced to wait, I stop and think about all the things that I do have in place, and I pray about how to strengthen those things. Once we have admitted that we are on a healing journey, or have dedicated ourselves to seeking sobriety, we discover that there are layers to everything. In life’s true essence, the grace of God is all that I need. The grace to see myself as a perfect baby; indefectible and deserving of love; and to help guide the light to what is perfect about today. What do I have in place in my life, right now, that I can nurture? Whether it is myself, or the matrix of my life, what truly is, is what will remain. The rest is just illusions in the wind.