It is a beautiful day outside; this noontime on a mid-November day. The sun is shining softly through the clouds, the earth damp, and the cloud cover in the sky provides a grey back drop. I am once again grateful for mental stability. I am learning to be okay, that God wants me to be okay. I am learning and evaluating the complex constructs of my life, in order to allow this love in, and to prioritize being okay.

Even if I somewhat aggressively try to achieve at good mental health, I am missing the target of this underlying mission. A daily reading this last week on self-acceptance said that it was God’s will that I love myself. This has been helpful to meditate on, because I have been trying to get out of my own way. I have been trying to challenge my overpowering ego and how it manifests in my life, and exchange this construct by flowing with the gentle will of god, with nature, and becoming one with the essence of the Universe. However, over and over, I find myself fighting with myself. The general scope and sum of all of my character flaws tend to theme around high expectations. Over and over it is proven, when I learn to take it easy, to be gentle with myself, I then enjoy life, am more in touch with myself, and thus am able to assess and treat my mental and emotional struggles with compassion. This results in a general positivity, even if it means acknowledging weakness. It changes how I approach my day to day, and I do different things in different ways. Often, I surprise myself at how I feel and what I am able to accomplish. Yet, time and again, I resort to pushing myself towards specific tasks and goals, while ignoring or blatantly resisting accepting how I truly feel, and I am traveling down the wrong track once again. I am relying on self-will and self-denial. I think that trying, overcoming, and pushing myself in the moment is the only way to achieve self-worth, and otherwise I start sliding backwards down a slope that has no end. There is no degree to which one can fall backwards down this slope. This way of living is based around fear. It is not accepting self-love or God’s will. It is also very mechanistic. 

Emotions, the soul, our mental-emotional-spiritual bodies and selves, can only be influenced mechanistically with limitations. I forget this, because, if I exercise, my body is healthier. I can correct brain chemistry with medications. If I eat healthy food, I am nourishing my body with good nutrients. If I have a meditation practice, I improve self-centeredness. If I clean my house, I create a good environment for order and mental-peace. Yet, when I strive for these things, I only achieve these results in a material and “two-dimensional” world. Sometimes, what is good for the soul contradicts what is good for the body (like enjoying a muffin). This is a very small example. Attitude is golden. A spiritual experience can transform our lives so immensely, that we see it as a miracle and give all credit to God. Somehow, I have to trust in self-love rather than self-will. I have to have belief that in doing this, and in feeling okay and happy, I will find my way organically to all of these healthy things that I listed above. Essentially, if I move towards a carrot rather than using pure will power and physical strength, I can have hope for achieving all of these things, because I trust that is what God wants for me, too. Achieving these goals without peace of mind, and a relationship with the spirit, I am doing more harm than good. 

Personally, I have a very hard time taking this “quality of life” approach. I am still a literalist; without faith, I rely on these mechanistic characteristics. Proof keeps me grounded, but it also drives me into the ground. Without the elevation of love, all I do is create ruts in the earth in my attempts to make progress. This proves to me that psychology, mental and emotional health, and a spiritual identity come first, and will always come first. I must find the equilibrium of keeping the earth in sight and floating closely above it. An identity in God and God’s love, will keep this balance… or I am just treading water. My goal may be 100 percent focused on progress, but the way that I am approaching life, is only working against this truth. The more I focus on progress mechanistically, while harnessing self-will, the further I am from true progress, and from giving my life and my will over to the care of God.

It is time to elevate. It is time to gain perspective. It is time to completely focus on others. It is time to find the door. It is like walking circles in a western world, relying on white supremacy to keep moving forward, when what I need to do, for the benefit of myself and the human race is completely disengage and remove myself from this invisible construct. Yes, it feels impossible. How do I get out of this maze? I rely on this maze to keep me afloat, but if I don’t remove myself from it, it will surely be the death of all of us. If I give up everything, if I strip myself of my pride, my ego, my will, my roles, my accomplishments, and my reality, I can then place myself on a path that will have actual purpose. I will have healing. I will find others that need to be lifted. Perhaps, I will then motivate towards physical health, but with a spiritual foundation and backing. What is the point of living, if I continue to live blind. I may have the illusion that I am achieving the goals of wellness and success, but this is false, and becomes heavy and oppressive over time if I continue to pursue these goals without the awareness of God’s love for myself, and the awareness that I am okay. Will and Ego are unrelenting advocates for oppression in our lives. We become addicted to these constructs over time. When we live by oppression, we produce the effects of oppression. It is as simple as learning to love oneself, and then being capable of loving others. When we are lost in the maze, we often don’t know where to find this epic “self-love”. We don’t know what it means when we hear that God loves us. Today, I am going to focus on being okay… if I can find the way to okay, perhaps I can find the way to love, health, and happiness.