[Day Twenty-five]

PROP. 53 SPINOZA Ethics 

Statement:

“When the mind contemplates itself and its own power of acting it rejoices, and it rejoices in proportion to the distinctness with which it imagines itself and its power of action.”

This morning I sat at a park and drank my drip coffee, that I had spiced up with a little vanilla, cocoa and cinnamon. I had a nice chat while purchasing the beverage with a cook, and the barista. I tipped two dollars. Then I proceeded to read the blue book and write in my AA journal at the view park, while I watched a boat slowly motor out at 7am, listened to the rumble of the WA State Ferry, and observed a solo blue kayak paddle by. I shouted down the beach “ You’re a bunch of Assholes…” and then later “…It takes an Asshole to own a beach!.” I suppose that is my great sin for the day. I suppose I believe in letting it out every now and then, even if it means a rude awakening for the wealthy waterfront owners on Fisherman’s Bay. 

These are the honest confessions of my journal on day twenty-five of being sober, having rejoined the Alcoholics Anonymous program, and having started meetings on day ten, after spending a decade drinking post one-year coin earned in 2008.

___ God is the answer to unraveling Psychological Addictions ___

• Started drinking alcohol when I was 3 years old

• Developed eating disorder at 14

• Had alcoholism, major blackout at 15

• First adultery at 16

• Major Depression 16/17

• First psychotic break 18, Second 20, Third 27, Fourth 36; Summers 39/40 very difficult

• 40th birthday, switch flips on grief

So here I am, now. I had communion this morning, and I am reminded that I am the body of Christ, and that the healing blood of God flows through my veins. Every day is a birth, and an opportunity, for sacrifice, and to give my work and wealth over to Jesus.

Last night, I awoke from a nightmare in a repressive state, as I too, have traumatic repressive syndrome. My husband was harking on me while I was eating over the sink, gradually getting louder and louder, mostly because he thought he was being ignored. My subconscious thought I was being shamed while eating, and all of a sudden, I woke up in anger, and my rage burst forth. I shouted at him over and over that I hated him. I believe he was sorry immediately. 

This morning, we were able to discuss the situation, because he also has repressive disorder; where one does not remember parts of their past due to trauma, and when one first awakens from sleep, one can appear awake, but still be technically asleep and dreaming, due to the suppression of their traumatic Freeze response, that is locked deep inside their bodies. It is possible, that while in a deep sleep, we travel below this suppressed boundary, and so when we awaken, we are technically still “underwater”, and we may not technically be aware of where we are or what we are doing. It just takes more than 5 -15 minutes to adjust to consciousness, and to fully become awakened to reality. Food is a very tenuous subject for me, as I was shamed for eating as a child, and am still shamed by my family, and society in general, for being overweight. I only pray that as I heal my body and my mind through the belief in God, and by following the path of Christ and Alcoholics Anonymous, that I will approach bringing love to my inner addict for good. Best of wishes to all of you on your healing journeys. I pray that you have luck in containing your anger, soothing your grief, and averting your shame.