The Search for Reality
“Multiple realizability, Philosophers of mind have used multiple realizability to argue that that mental states are not the same as — and cannot be reduced to — physical states..”
- Wikipedia
Heraclitus: “[…was most famous for his insistence on ever-present change, or flux or becoming, as the characteristic feature of the world, as stated in the famous saying, "No man ever steps in the same river twice" as well as "Panta rhei," everything flows.]”
-Wikipedia
Sometimes when I lay in bed, I let my mind and body relax, and I allow what needs to come, come through me; my mind a supple receiver for the universe’s callings. It feels good to allow this quiet time for myself. The last couple of days, I have had a cold, so there has been a lot of this. Often small voices come through me. They tell me that they love me, they give me praise for all that I care about and do in this life. Perhaps, this is my inner connection with God, and it is my voice. Perhaps, there are spirit guardians out there that are reaching out to me.
When I am psychotic, and I lay in bed, it looks much different. I may be trapped in a nightmare, while still awake, and believing things that just cannot be true. I am so lost in the false fantasy that I believe it is true, and that is what makes it psychosis. So I get up, I start journaling, often drawing systems and graphs. The times of recent, for the last couple of years, I have been obsessed with the tree of life and the cabala. Some of what I am studying is legitimate, but mostly how I am applying it is false, and results from fantasies deep within me. I become obsessed. I am always playing music. The playlists that I created on Spotify, were very gifted and quite wonderful, but I was forced to erase about a dozen of them, afraid that they would trigger me to returning or remembering psychotic states.
This is just a hint of what I go through when I am in an episode. I understand that many may not know what I mean when I say that I have or am experiencing psychosis, so I thought it might be helpful to draw a small picture for those who want to understand. It can seem harmless enough, but for me it can spiral very quickly, until I am immersed in a full blown reality that is false. One may come across a person in life that experiences paranoia, and this is an example of mild psychosis. A person tends to believe something that is just not true. But they somewhat participate in reality. They are not staring at the walls for hours, or speaking in a made up language. Often there is agitation or anger that comes with psychosis. You can see the beginnings of this in a person that suffers with paranoia; they become agitated when you challenge their false beliefs.
My journeys may seem harmless. But when it goes on, and continues for week after week, those watching become very afraid that I may not return. Onetime recently, the manic psychosis was very obvious, but not violent or agitated. For the most part, I was just in another world, but when I realized it, and tried to force myself to come back to reality, it was extremely painful to return. I went through an excruciating day, as I tried to shut down the world that I was lost in. Often returning to reality is very painful. I have experienced probably the worst psychological pain I have ever experienced during these moments. Often, this is where the violence can come from. Sometimes causing havoc in the outer world is a better choice than enduring the suffering of the inner.
As you may imagine, once one has found reality after having such an experience, they may become obsessed with what reality truly is. Philosophers and Astrophysicists may argue that we just never will be able to conquer a collective reality or prove it. However, I believe in reality. I have to. My journey otherwise has been just too painful and frightening. I believe there is a constant that we all return to. I believe there is a place that I can find and call home. Perhaps I am gifted, with the ability to bend and go beyond this reality, without drugs or intense physical sensation. I have gained something from my experiences. But simple humdrum reality is quite something, and I am grateful everyday to be a part of it.
