Yesterday, I went for a cold swim in the pond here on the property. As I cruised through the water, that chilled my body intensely, I noticed the rising half moon in the sky just above the conifer tree line. Just then, a raven sailed through the valley echoing its ominous caw for all to hear. I was moved deeply by this scene. I’d had a difficult afternoon fighting off sadness after what me and my therapist are referring to as a paradigm shift. There is this tendency after one comes out of the other side of an episode to label or quantify the experience; I am hoping to let the experience rest peacefully in the past. Today, I feel much better, though it did not necessarily come easily, and without due processing.

I have felt love in my being even while in the midst of an episode, and it does not always make sense. I have felt love for imaginary characters that I am communicating with in my mind. I have felt love for the population of humans that I imagine are aware of my existence, but again, this experience is most likely imagined. But most of all, I felt love for nature, when I was sitting in the sand at the beach, when I was swimming in the pond, when I was praying to the earth in child’s pose in my yard while listening to music on my phone. The point is that I did feel love. I was not completely lost, because I was tuned into this most basic experience, which many would call God. I am grateful, that even though I was lost in my mind in psychosis, even though there were times when sadness overtook me immensely and rage flooded through my hands, I was still of this world. Because of this, I was able to return. Now that I am here, I very much long to put these experiences behind me. I long to live my life in forward movement. I am very much changed, and reinvented. I am very much new. I have experienced a shift, and now I have my feet firmly on the ground, and I have a sense of who I am and what my purpose is in this world.

Yesterday, I think I felt the void that can occur when you realize that your life is changed once again by an episode. I have spent the last couple of months developing a framework for my life, and becoming disciplined at things such as going to the gym, becoming aware of my smoking, going to support groups and a book group, and finding new spiritual roots at a new church. Though, today, because of a variation in routine, I attended Quaker Meeting with my family. I was humbled by the warmth of the group, and it felt good to just sit. It felt good to be in the moment, knowing and trusting in the development of my life.

Writing, I know, is still my calling. I took a little break, because I knew I was on “Day One” post paradigm shift, and I just needed a moment. I needed a little space around my practice. I did not rest from journaling, however, and my new notebook has many pages filled since I resumed that practice. It is reassuring. I feel whole. I have found sure footing. I have built a framework for my life to move fluidly around, for my spirit and confidence to find grounding.

Sitting now, I have Beyonce coming through my earbuds. It is late evening, and my man is doing a crossword puzzle at the kitchen table. My sweet Lionel is at my feet, as he often is, protecting me and shadowing me with his living presence. There is a collection of feathers on my desk from days spent wandering the woods and the roads. I feel embraced by my family. We all have our trials. Love and pain is so relative. I also know that one cannot exist without the other. It is in the deepest pain where we know the greatest love.