Chanting music fulfills me in so many ways. I am reminded that although there are many details to pay attention to in life, sometimes we need to just relax and let things fall off the edges of our consciousness. I have had a difficult week feeling compromised for a number of reasons, not all necessarily quantifiable. Also, I am awakening to living life in a more full way. In this fullness, I crave to take care of the details, I crave to achieve at all that I like to achieve. Being a good friend, and so much more. And yet, I am still a bit overwhelmed, and the music relaxes me, and reminds me that all there is, is this moment, and in this moment, all that is required of me is love. Simplicity is a necessity for spiritual living. I am alive; there is much in this world that requires attention, and yet I must surrender to the great divine, I must relinquish control and power if I wish to keep my eye on the ball. The ball, that is, that will keep my mind and spirit healthy in future months that lay ahead. There are many directions that my life could take at this point in time, and as I struggle with feeling well and awake due to medications and sub-par reality, I am reminded that there is really only one direction, all else is frivolous, and as I listen to this soothing music, I engage actively in the practice of letting these feelings fall away and over the edge of the table at which I sit. I am hoping and praying for wellness. I am called to practice depth and spirituality in a way that will hopefully keep me grounded, and help me prevent future pitfalls and illness.

It is almost as if I have fully moved into the picture of life that I have been looking at, and I am instead, participating in a three-dimensional sense. Before, when I could see the picture in what I thought was fullness, I would draw and write upon the surface of the two-dimensional image, making corrections and additions, hoping that this would feel satisfying. If the picture ever attempted to encapsulate and draw me in, I would immediately feel overwhelmed at the feeling of things not being in quite the right place. The fact is, that as we enter the painting of life, we are unable to avoid seeing the dust and the cobwebs; in fact, these indiscrepancies provide just enough distraction, that the scene then becomes alive. The spaces and shadows become filled with love and God’s presence, and we find that we are no longer able to control the picture. We have to accept that there will be things in the picture that at times we cannot see, and that there is just so much to take in, that we are better off letting the order be that of God’s and not our own, as we accept in full that we are just a part of the picture, and that it is not ours to organize. The size is small, the size is large, we become lost in minute detail, or spend the moment just trying to gaze upon the fullness of the picture and scene that we ourselves are a part of.

When one’s life falls apart for the time being, we become aware of the fact that our lives are just pictures with pieces, and that it is all assembled in a design that is beyond our simple comprehension. Some of us read up on physics and philosophy in order to try and grasp the very nature of the design of our universe. What I am increasingly struck with, is that although I matter, and that God loves me, is that my cells and design are very much a part of the miracle that I participate in and with, and that the importance of my life remains to be beyond my understanding. I try and hope for success and to achieve my goals, but I survive even when my life is put on hold and things become difficult and misplaced due to illness. I am currently facing many questions; what is the role of writing in my life, and how due I pursue and develop this practice in a way that will have meaning and impact on the world around me, and as I get closer to the moment, as I increasingly relinquish control due to the flaring up of my mental illness, will I ever achieve my hopes and dreams; do these even have meaning or really matter, do I matter?

I do believe, that I will have an increased spiritual experience because of my mental illness, as this has proven to be true in the past, and I do wish to continue to pursue my writing and hopefully contribute to the wellness of the world in a way that pleases both God and the cosmos. But I find myself bleeding into this three dimensional painting of life while relinquishing control and very much accepting that I may never fully understand my purpose or my role in this finite universe.