Bread and roses. I am reminded today and recently that I am a child of God. I chanted this to myself swimming in the chill pond this afternoon. I moved forward through my strokes, observed the patterns and reflections across the surface of the water, and chanted to myself these words. Recently, I have emerged from a time where I was bordering on this reality and the next. I was between worlds. I was suffering through an existential crises, as I evaluated my issues with marriage and embraced my inner masculinity. I addressed sexual issues on the deepest level as I worked through assault and rape experiences in my late teens and young womanhood. I processed grief around my abortion when I was twenty. I grieved the death of my mother in law which had been unattended to; she had died in 2012, and I hadn’t addressed how much she had influenced my young emerging woman and taught me the faith and self acceptance that I desperately needed at that time, and I had never quite felt the void of her leaving this world and this inner despair. As I meditated in the summer sun and swam in the pond and the Puget Sound, I journeyed between worlds and went on a passage that was very much my own and about healing my inner self and traumas, as well as addressing these fundamental concepts that are prudent to my current life (sexuality and marriage). I was not alone, but I was not here either. It was as if I separated from Steve, my life partner, as well as my mother, sister and father who live close to me on this island we call home.

So as I emerge, and return to a world where we base thoughts and beliefs on hard scientific facts and truths rather than visions or fantasies, I am realizing that I have learned much on this journey. I have a new found sense of self love and acceptance. I finished this existential crises and semi-psychotic journey with entering therapy and I am so excited to now be discussing these issues with a professional. I also can’t stop thinking about Christ and my relationship with God. I was floating in and out and God was with me in ways I cannot even describe. And though the fantasies have faded, my ability to be at peace and with the Creator has only strengthened. I am not exactly sure where I am headed next, and I very much plan to take one day at a time. Every moment is a blessing and I am here and coherent while experiencing it. And I still have Steve. The crises, whatever they were, are in our past and we have embraced each other in our partnership once again with very strong and loving arms. 

And I believe that I am provided for and for that I am grateful. I also have been gifted with roses. Our lives are so full and blessed, and we have each other and all of our needs are met. We also have joy and pleasure. Our love life has been born again after a long sleep due to physical disability, and I am so amazed at our tenacity and bravery to stay in love and there for each other through these past trials. It proves how strong and in love Steve and I are. I am awakening after healing so much trauma, having crazy memories of my youth and young adulthood that had been compartmentalized away in little boxes of trauma. I opened these boxes, looked inside, felt all of it and healed. I don’t know why this all happened when and as it did, but it was a blessing. I feel cleansed, I feel new, though I know that this growth also shows my age and wisdom. I am ready to give myself the much deserved respite that I require after two decades of living with a mental illness. I have my bread, the love of my life, and I have my roses, the awareness that all that I am is a gift from God.