I woke up this morning to my dog speaking in pure dog to me at my bedside. We feed Lionel and Bruce in the morning. I initially rolled over and slept for a few more minutes. My dreams were enlightening, confusing, challenging for lack of better words. Sometimes I awake from my dreams and I feel like I am tuned into something bigger in this universe. I was recalling sending tennis balls over my house with a tennis racket in 2007, the movie ‘Holes’, a Wrinkle in time. My dreams were about people, protests, much food, and had a strange sense of a usual theme for me about not quite fitting in. I am not too hung up on this, but I do know that there are things moving about int this Universe that we don’t understand. Some people try to figure it out, use science or investigate in other ways, become paranoid, or are labeled crazy because they witness something out of the ordinary. Even though I take medications for me to not get lost on these tangents, I still believe that something is “Afoot”. I suppose this makes early mornings by myself a little more interesting. Still I am thankful for my recent upgrade in medication dosage to encourage me to live and participate in a concrete reality. It is just sometimes, these fantasies, lead to thinking that one may have a more divine role in the course of events. They can lead to me thinking I am special. And I am. I just to have Faith and move forward. I will never be fixed completely. So, I will always be able to delve creatively into a fantasy of some sort. This can be my brain working in a healthy manner as well.

Returning to reality lately to a new degree, feels like a violent tearing of spirit in a way. These medications come with side effects, and can even cause anxiety and agitation, but as I get pulled back to reality in a more concrete form, as I am able to control my schizoid tendencies more and more, emotions can arise. Sometimes I think critically, and I am sad because a piece of me will always be lost in these fantasies that are unpredictable and unprovable. I am too overwhelmed to investigate, to become a daemon hunter, a ghost researcher, an alien enthusiast, an Egyptian historian, a geologist, a politician, an investor, a computer analyst. There are way too many tangents to track. A piece of all of it lives inside of me. The fantasies are so compact with information in my experiences, that this is why it becomes painful to return to reality. It could be seen as genius. It could also be seen as confusion and psychosis. Am I a threat to society or myself? That is the underlying question. I am thankful for this life, and I am thankful when I am able to return to my simple life that is unconfused and focused on Faith and loving relationships like that of my man and my dogs. But there is always something lurking on the edges. I see it in social media trends, in the news, in my music, in strange moments watching the breeze or observing nature. I see it in my tarot readings, I hear murmurs of it in my meditations and experience it in my dreams. So I suppose I am more comfortable living on the edge of society out of sight. I heard a whisper from a Taoist master the other day, “You are not meant to be too loud.” I feel like this is true. I do not like huge amounts of attention and I am able to focus more on my visions and my life when I am out of the lime light. Still, what is the point of these thoughts I have. Why have I been gifted so?

Sometimes I regret or fear getting older and approaching forty. But there is still so much to learn and assimilate. As I master self care and as I learn to listen to the universe closer, while allowing these subtle visions to speak, I know that it is just me and God. That a private life is where it is at. I know that these mysteries take time and that there is so much more to feel, experience, see and learn. I know it does not make sense to a scientist, a politician, an economist, a doctor, a teacher, a geologist, a sociologist, or a textbook, but we all have an imagination. Our culture and our society is sick and we must heal. Many conversations are taking place and are vital to this healing. Conversations about race, gender and sexuality, body positivity, class, and more. But I still feel that mental health is an important key and thread through all of these issues. It can be of the darkest and most disturbing. It is the stuff we really don’t want to look at. We are taking the time, some of us. It is still interesting to me how people want to build their own brand and every movement can be contorted to a money making scheme rather than an awareness building platform, and that is another sickness that tries to take over. It is like a sneaky daemon that comes form the blind and penetrates even the platforms that are trying to illuminate. It is hard to trick and why some of us must stay small and out of sight. Butterfly wings, small ripples. There are beginnings to everything.