I have been sensitive lately. I find myself grateful for the sensitive men in my life. My father and Steve have been so supportive these last couple of days, Steve cleaning house for company as well as pouring loving words upon me, and my Dad hanging posters enthusiastically and going by the Library for me regarding my Book Party on April 21st (5pm at the Library). I have been reading the Four Agreements Companion Book after pouring over the Four Agreements this last week. The question is, “What do I have written on my soul that is false, abusive?” What are the beliefs, agreements that I have made with myself that cause me to suffer in my day to day? I am learning to let go of this and treat myself with loving guidance, knowing that I am impeccable, without sin in my nature.

I am feeling this. Yesterday I became sensitive and weak, overwhelmed in a sense. I knew this was coming. The best thing for me was to nap from 3-9pm, almost strait. I did wake half way through for a snack. I am learning to accept this about myself. I have learned that most of the harmful agreements that I carry in this current day have to do with my illness. ‘I can’t succeed, be happy, love myself… because I am ill.’ This does not have to be true. The four agreements are 1. Be impeccable with your word 2. Don't take things personally 3. Don’t make assumptions, and 4. Always do your best. Currently this ‘program’ is changing things for me and I am allowing compassion into my life as I reprogram my blueprint with these agreements. I recommend this book to anyone who has not had the blessing of reading it.

Gentleness seems to be a theme word for me. Judging and being a victim have very much to do with dishing out and accepting violence to the self even if it is from yourself to yourself. Agreements I have overcome in the past is “You are fat, ugly.” Or “You are unintelligent and socially awkward.” As we stop sending ourselves these messages, we not only stop believing them, through doing our best we are able to overcome our challenges and difficulties that the judgements may be based upon. I still have healing to do with my illness. Why should I judge myself for being “sick”, though now I am reframing this term and calling myself gifted and searching for what this could entail. The process of seeing myself as gifted contributes to gracefully and lovingly accepting all of the hardships and struggles that come with it. What I am learning is I am creative, intelligent, clairvoyant, resilient, and full of strength. I have practiced endurance and learned to get over my anger and rage. I am still working on healing my shame and grief, and I know that I only have to do my best. I am not so bad at taking things personally, but I tend to project and judge others based on what I perceive are my own weaknesses. If I am doing my best and loving myself, and being impeccable with my word there is no need for this. These four agreements are a sound recipe for making breakthrough with one’s personal journey, I am glad I have come across them in my current life.

So, I am learning that as I suffer, I can also succeed. All I have to do is my best, and God has given me many gifts and blessings to share along the way. Sometimes learning to love ourselves means or results in allowing others to love us more fully. I felt this profoundly over the last couple of days. I am learning to be cared for and receive as well as love and accept myself. This morning is foggy and the mist creates a blanket of white that is impenetrable to the eye. Sometimes we have to trust though we cannot see beyond this moment, all will be okay. We have guides, we have God, the Universe is sending us guiding and loving messages often. We just need to learn to listen.