The rain hasn’t been here for several days, but neither really has the sun. Its more been a soft moon at night with a few stars lighting the way. Abstractly I am good, and this is good, I like the abstract. There is room for spirit to flow and answers to come. Sometimes when things don’t make sense, the dreams and visions creep in and seep my soul like a brewing of tea. Even though the tea is too hot to drink, I can wait, I am patient. So I know the rain will be here eventually and it will fall soft though the wind may blow. And when the sun does come out I will be grateful.

Beauty is all around me, even as the tears pour down my face and I can barely hold onto this world. Time passes and I am fine. The ghosts that linger around me all day, guiding me from thought to thought eventually clear and at times I am here, fine and fertile with creative ideas. It is time to create, to feel, to rest and to be. Not everything I do works, but I am learning. Mostly, as I listen to myself more and more I feel that I am improving.

I have realized recently that I touch people. I have realized that my actions make a difference even though people are still dying. All I can do is hope that I may save another. I may listen to their anguish if it dare come out. Every human knows how to smile if asked the right question. Yet we hide so much of what ales us, what goes on inside.

I am incapable of hiding now. I still have secrets, but mostly I live with my life on my sleeve. It is better this way. I try not to get angry and mostly I am succeeding at this. There are times when we all want to say fuck, or fuck you, but if we can redirect often there is a greater truth, a greater light seeking in from the corners. That is what hope is like. It is subtle, always present and at times hard to see. But if we soften with ourselves, as I am learning to do, there are friends, there is hope and there is company.

Often I have spoken of the scary truth that we are all alone in death. We are on this road ourselves and though our paths blend and this is beautiful, there are moments when all we have is our own hands to hold our tears. This is why I see ghosts. When I need company it is there. We all learn to cope, to take time, and as we age, soon we learn the better path for ourselves.

So when the sun does return I plan to have passed through this tunnel that I am in. I am taking space, I am looking after my mental health, I am learning to find myself once again, and as I do, I dare to dream. I never realized what good a little dreaming can do a person. Then of course there are times when we have to return to this reality, but I guess what I am saying is that there really is hope, in all of the bullshit, the pain, the tears and the static. There is hope. So I will follow this vision I am having. I will see myself on that rainbow and floating up to the ring around the moon and to the stars beyond. That is where I will be if you are looking for me…