A Balance
Do you ever wonder why that one person in your life just won’t stop nagging your brain? You have no rational reason to be ‘obsessed with them’ and yet there they are, reoccurring like that nagging song on the radio or that loud bird out your window in the morning, taking up space in your consciousness. There must be something that fundamentally bothers me; something that doesn't make sense. I know the probability is that this person keeps pulling me back to an issue that I have in myself, that is old and that has nagged at me subconsciously for years, yet has been left unresolved in some way and 20 years later still lingers in me unintentionally. This is the reason that it bothers me; I can’t seem to pull it into my consciousness.
Perhaps there is an analogy. This person seems unattainable and out of reach, is unpredictable, hot and cold. The one thing I come back to for myself is that I want people to like me and there is no certainty that this person likes anyone. But why come back to it over and over again? Why burden myself with something that should not matter. Obviously it is a maze that the universe chooses not to unravel at this point in time, however I have seen the universe unravel similar tangles with people at the most unexpected moments. I have become good over the years at trying not to care, at letting it be as it is. Honestly there are parts of this person’s personality that I really admire, that are so different than mine. I feel they do understand some simple rules about life that I have not mastered.
There is also an element that I would like to reach out to this person and help them. But at times folks may not really want this or feel they deserves this. It is true we can only help ourselves, and for some this simple fact is empowering. It is hard to admit to the wrong person you have something hidden deep in a dark place, and who am I to assume anything about this person’s issues? I am choosing to write about this today, not because this small issue truly bothers me on a deep level, but that it seems to have some hidden meaning. There seems to be here something for me to learn or observe about the world or people that I do not fully understand, and like I said, it feels like a brain exercise to get it to consciousness.
God, earth, can be like this. Fate puts little cues in our path, moments to learn from. Some may seem small and insignificant or just annoying, but if we really take a look and try to understand them, understand why such a thing sticks out for us or is constantly there for us to trip over, that there can be a life or earthly meaning that is really quite interesting and that allows us to learn more about ourselves and the world.
For me, this one, I gather is that I am attracted to things that are thoroughly different from me, which just feels so odd. I suppose I have gotten used to this in a major way with Steve, the love of my life. Steve is introverted when I am extroverted, and extroverted when I am in, he keeps things to himself mostly, is strong and hard in ways that I am soft, is soft in ways that I am hard. I suppose we go together quite well. Sometimes too, a power or intelligence, energy can live inside of a person. I can pick up on this a mile away, yet this ball of light can often be shrouded in darkness… for to everything there is and has to be balance. I have spent years working my way through the dark, only to find that what lives underneath exists as an endless source of love, acceptance, Faith, and strength, that I never knew I was capable of. Perhaps I am recognizing this in another. I just know that this can go either way. I have seen people die that carry this light, some fall hard and crawl out, and some are mercifully smart enough to figure it out and let the universe gradually untangle the mess; unwrapping the gift of light and love, power and goodness that reside in us all.