Little breezes are blowing. I can see it in people’s faces, in the things I am doing and in the feelings I have. Someone or something is trying to communicate with me from another plane. I think there is an answer waiting for me, not one I am going to push, but it is subtle. Yes there is a reason for my suffering, there is a plain explanation for and why the things that have happened to me, and are still existing within myself, exist. There is a reason.

It is not much greater than that. I don’t know what the reason is right now, but to know that I am not doing anything wrong and that I haven’t is boundless. Shame is so prevalent in our culture. It runs deep and it is mean. I am so saturated with shame and grief that I believe it disconnects me from reality. I decided that I am through with being stubborn and am willing to try anything. I need to shed assumptions and judgments that I carry first, and know and see in my common fellow that some people are just trying to help and become more aware, and are not choosing to continually cause pain.

But how do I trust? How can I possibly do this? I have spent a lot of time being so guarded and have worked really really hard at protecting myself, many of us have. But maybe I can seep through the pin-hole; maybe I can manifest as a grain of sand and fit through to the other side. I don’t need to be large. I don’t need to be great, strong, important or even special. I just need to belong in this world of stardust, this cosmos filled with so much space. Perhaps when we are young we see this space as loneliness. Our fears run so deep and prevalent in our minds that we can only act from this place.

I know now that it is not so bad. We spend a lifetime discovering our pain, and I gather we then move on to spend a lifetime changing something or working through it. Isn't this what we are doing? Is there anything more to this story? I want to try to be here and at least aware of this. Let the apple fall on my head as it did to Newton, science is constantly changing, and spirituality ever evolving. Let my body and my mind be as like these entities as I wish.