I have a small bolt that I bought at the hardware store here on the island the other day. It turns out that I did not need it, but I have kept it because it has come to represent something important to me. It has come to represent that striving for perfection and control is not necessary. It has come to represent that life is not perfect and that we must embrace what appear to be errors as divine providence. Every time something seems to go wrong in my life, I think of this bolt. It is a totem. Sometimes I carry it with me and it serves as a reminder. The bolt itself is a picture of amazing perfection. The accuracy that must go into making the small tool is amazing. The threads must be exact, it must be totally straight and just the right length. As I hold it in my hand I marvel at what it must take to create such a perfect little thing. At the same time, it has come to represent that when things appear wrong, dirty, flawed, injured, screwed up, or broken, there is still perfection in the universe and in accepting these situations exactly as they are. I try to not fight against what the universe is trying to tell me when events are not exactly as I wish them to be.

The original story of the bolt, is that I ordered an all terrain walker for Steve from Amazon, so he can go for walks on the grass and the gravel out here where we live. The walker is beautiful, but as we were assembling it, we could not find a bolt. Also, the wheels weren’t quite right. They weren’t the inflatable kind, the kind that I had ordered. Steve assured me that the wheels were perfect, and even better. They are still large and “rubbery” and work great. I can get really obsessed when something is not quite right, and it really bothers me. So, I drove to the hardware store to buy the bolt. I got there and was greeted in the parking lot by an old friend who works there. He took me to the back of the store where there were a dizzying amount of drawers with endless amounts of hardware within. I would have been totally lost, but he helped me and we eventually found it. I went to the front of the store and saw two of my old roommates who also work there and another friend. I left feeling seen and connected. I got home and we proceeded to assemble the walker. As I picked up a blanket on the floor, I found the original missing bolt. I proceeded to put the found bolt in the walker and put the one I purchased in my pocket. Later, I took the bolt out of my pocket and marveled at the artistry it took to create such a perfect thing. I reflected on how I was taken on a journey where I got to see some old friends, and I felt blessed.

The bolt is now something I think about regularly when I begin to complain about something being not quite right. The wheels of the walker turned out to be perfect and the walker is a huge blessing in our lives. The bolt also represents that things happen for a reason. When we miss a ferry boat or some other plan goes awry, it is meant to be. When I think something is out of order or not perfect; a stain on my new clothing, a messy kitchen, I think of the bolt. When I begin to get grumpy about things not being perfect, Steve says “bolt!” I struggle with a need for perfection and control in my life. Because I had such a strange and happy experience going to purchase this bolt that I really did not need, I am reminded that the universe or god has their very own plan for me in every moment in my life. All I need to do is relax and listen to the universe or god’s voice and to go with the flow. God’s will versus my own will is a real thing. I can try and fight the will of god by inserting my own need for perfection of control, but it certainly will result in further disaster, and me feeling disconnected from the natural and blessed flow of life.

The bolt represents god in a way, that there is perfection in everything. I find comfort in the delicate and precise threads, the perfect metal and shape of it, and I feel calm. Still, things are not meant to be perfect. Imperfection is actually perfection. The bolt is useless, unnecessary. I guess seeing the perfection of the bolt allows me to let go of the need for perfection in my life. The events surrounding the acquisition of the bolt remind me that life is really just a journey and an experience. Every moment and every day we are granted another experience on this journey of life. Nothing about it is perfect. And everything about it is perfect. I need to let go of my inner control and follow god’s plan. I am so blessed in this life. My disability, my partner’s illness, our struggles with addiction, are just experiences. It is far from perfect, but it is still a blessing. The bolt simply reminds me that when things go wrong or seem broken, they are actually perfect and are exactly as they should be.