I never thought I would make so much progress on my addiction, while attempting to quit smoking. It may be some time before I quit completely, but I have cut back considerably. Having a mental illness, I was afraid that I would have or invoke symptoms if I drastically cut back on smoking. In the past, I have attempted to cut back, even just a little bit, and my anxiety skyrocketed. Today, after attending to my addiction of alcohol in a program for over three years, and successfully abstaining from drinking for over 14 months, I have gained many skills and a lot of perspective. During these last couple weeks that I have been cutting back on smoking, I have practiced these skills. I know that I only need to keep track of the hour to hour struggle. I have the courage to cut back and endure craving, as I give my life over to god, and as I lessen my need for control. I have prayed and admitted my powerlessness. In these moments I have felt great relief.

My life does not look the same as it did two weeks ago. I am a ship sailing through the fog, and I do not know what lies ten feet ahead of me. All I know, is that I need to have faith and to continue rowing. I am headed in the right direction. This I know. I have faith that I am doing a good thing. Initially, I continued with chores and the gym in the usual fashion. I also was doing my best to help my family and friends. Recently, I have found it hard to answer the phone. My floors desperately need vacuuming. I even ate some candy which I very rarely do. I have realized that I am still very much living in self-will. But the thing is, one cannot live in self-will while addressing an addiction. The only way forward is faith. I must let go of expectations and perfectionism. My only goal is to smoke less. One day, I may rip the bandaid off completely, but until then I must continue to ingest as little of the substance as possible. There are weak moments and there are strong moments, and I accept progress, not perfection. AA meetings continue to be helpful and inspiring. I become hopeful. Meetings are a soul-fueling place to land among the chaos. In these meetings, I am reminded of the bigger picture. I am reminded that it is a day to day, hour to hour, minute to minute journey. As I move through the fog, I find that I continue toward progress with each stroke.

My program is simple, and I have a general syllabus to follow regarding smoking. Lately, I have been under the weather, and it has become more difficult to excel with this general outline. I found myself in a meeting crying and expressing how difficult it all was and how I feared I was sliding backwards. I had to give myself a huge pep talk. I can’t give up, I just need to try to keep doing what I have been doing. That was a few days ago. I was still going through general withdrawal. It turns out I was able to continue with my goal, and I did not slip back into oblivion as I feared I would. Right now, I continue to row the boat, and I continue to let go and let god. I have had to let go of expectations of myself surrounding other areas in my life. My sole purpose is to manage my smoking and to stick to the “plan”. I literally couldn’t give two fucks about anything else. At least this is how it feels. I am still doing my best. I have simply stopped attending to the world with the level of attention that I have in the past. I have had to give myself a break, make cancelations, say no, and protect my sensitive self that is working so hard to walk this path of trying to quit smoking. It literally is the most important thing I may ever do in my life. Other expectations and people, I’m afraid, are going to have to wait. As I do this, I find myself letting go in a way I never have, having faith in a way I never have, and giving over my control in a way I never have. Giving over my control and self-will to the chaos of the universe is momentous progress concerning fighting addiction in my life. Quitting smoking has allowed me to take my recovery to the next level, and I am enjoying this process. My mental health stays intact for the time being. As I take it easy, and practice rule #62 (not taking life too damn seriously), I accept the fog, I kick back and enjoy the journey through these murky waters, and I continue to row.