What a beautiful five days it has been. I have trudged and trotted to town five days in a row in the snow to buy our daily groceries. There has been wind and sun and cloud cover, and all sorts of different combinations of conditions on the road. But mostly the roads were covered with snow and ice, and were too dangerous to drive, in my opinion. Why drive to town when it is just a mile away and I can walk there? I feel gifted and blessed to be in good shape, close to town, and in such a beautiful landscape. 

Mentally and spiritually I am in a good state. Daily and often twice a day, I attend online support meetings, and have good connection there. I am building relationships with people, learning to listen, and sharing what is on my heart as I move along in recovery. Stability with mental illness is what I long for more than anything. Today I had several conversations with neighbors while out on the snowy roads, and these interactions are very affirming. In these stable times, as I connect with people, I am reminded of who I am truly. In stability and active recovery, I can strengthen my sense of self while having positive interactions with people. Sixth months ago, having just emerged from a terrible episode last winter, I was still worried of what people thought of me and how I appeared to my community. The longer I am stable and the true and real me, the more affirming interactions I am able to have. The more solid interactions I have with people, the stronger I become in my sense of self. My daily interactions with people in recovery in my meeting help as well. Sobriety is a huge part of my current journey, but relapse can mean more than having a drink. It can mean slipping back into symptomatic behavior regarding my mental illness. Sixth months ago, I needed to remember who stable Emily was. Over this time, as I have stabilized my footing in recovery, I have found this stable person. I am inspiring, creative, honest, spiritual, open, giving, compassionate, intelligent and kind. Emily, or Moon as I go now, is so much more than a mental health patient. 

I am grateful to find myself on the stoop of stability this winter of 2021-2022. Christmas has passed, and tomorrow is New Year’s Eve. Everything I want I have. My needs are met, and I am not struggling. But life is not merely about survival or material possessions. It is about finding who I am and thriving. It is about becoming a better person. I am changing. The spiritual program of AA has everything to do with this. The program speaks of a personality change that takes place in recovery. We become a different person as we recover from active addiction. Addictive behavior or sobriety extends further than just drinking or not drinking alcohol. I have had addictive behavior around food, people and sex. As I pursue active recovery, attend meetings every day, and work the steps, along with attending therapy and the work I am doing there taking preventative measures regarding my mental illness, I slowly begin to change. On so many levels I am witnessing these changes. Spiritually, mentally, physically and emotionally. I see with increasing clarity where it is that I need to make sound choices so as to continue on this road of improvement. And I continue to improve and change, as I recover myself out of addiction and out of mental instability, I become grounded and happy. And I am. I am so happy. I am increasingly content with simplicity and lack of perfection. I even find joy in the lack of perfection. I am less triggered. I am setting good boundaries. I am content and serene. I am learning to pray and meditate every day. I am increasingly grateful. Life is so so good.

Despite the challenges I faced in 2021; two relapses, a good friend dying, and a mental health episode, I find myself on the road to success. Success is just not what I thought it might be. It is about changing for the better. It is about accepting my self down to the deepest darkest crevasse in my soul. And as I learn to do this, as I grow and change in love and healing, I am always surprised at all that I have and all that I am. I am not sick, not in my true form. May you find wellness and recovery in this coming year, and blessings to all we have been through and all we have coming to us in this new year.