Perfectionism and achievement are at the root of my addiction. Surviving and recovering from an eating disorder, I applied that perfectionism and achievement to my body in the way of exercise, diet, and ultimately binging and purging. I have been clear of obvious symptoms since I was about nineteen, as it took me several years of treating myself for the psychological addiction before I became mostly woke on the subject. Like alcoholism and quitting drinking, stopping purging, negative body talk, starving myself and aggressive exercise, did not remove the core issues. These addictive behaviors were mere symptoms of the underlying malady. For this reason, these major addictions we experience in life, follow us around like phantoms awaiting to reemerge. To this day I smoke cigarettes, and am desperately awaiting the day that I am able to quit. Right now, my mental illness has me dealing with myself and life with kid gloves, as the transition into spring, and my birthday on March 27th, is my risky time of year.

This morning I wished to go to the gym. The weather is dismal, and I feel tired and slightly symptomatic. My perfectionism and desire for achievement, want to push me out the door regardless of my tiredness and injured knees, to go do some core exercises, weights and yoga at the gym. Instead, I have chosen to listen to my body, so I read for an hour some rich self help, and now am diving into reflective writing. The classical music on my computer accents the wind and rain outside. I am reminded that there is more to life than the mechanical. I am wearingly reminded that I am not always right. I am reminded that my addictions can feed me false information that can lead me away from the cleansing of, and the healing of, my psyche and soul. I must seek balance in all areas of my life. When life becomes unbalanced, I experience more symptoms. Just the pushing forth of spring, and the energy around waking from winter slumber, is enough to keep me occupied. I must let go of judgements, expectations, and the desire to achieve in order to listen closely to my body.

I spoke in my last blog of deep emotions that lie below our consciousness in our subconscious or unconscious. I believe that ignoring these deep unresolved and hidden emotions are what contributed to me triggering the gene of my schizoaffective disorder and are behind triggering symptoms of this illness today. My behavior around my addictions, can also exacerbate my symptoms with mental illness. This is mostly why I have pushed back my quit date for smoking. All this… this quiet time with the rain, the reflective time reading a self help book on psychoanalysis, listening to the gentle notes on my classical music playlist, lying in bed allowing my body to heal with a cat pinned on my chest… all of this is helping tune me into the language of the soul. It is reminding me that I have a soul, that I am a soul, not simply a physical frame with muscles, bone and fat. I have often admired yoga for this reason. They encourage breathing into your emotion with every pose. You don’t just tune out and pump your muscles. Listening to music at the gym helps me stay in touch with my emotions and my body. But often, I must refrain from physical activity in order for my emotions to be held and attended to. Again I am reminded of balance. Activity and rest. Exercise and contemplation.

Deep deep down in my being I struggle with grief, shame, anger and rage, self loathing, and the desire for love, affection and acceptance. I must learn to give myself permission for all of this. I must give myself permission to heal. Writing today, I ask myself, “How did you end up so screwed up, Emily?” But that is my negative voice taking over. Moon accepts themself. I am no longer crammed into what I believe the perfect woman should be. I am other. I am abstract, lighting up the night sky of my inner being. I have experienced playing music, painting, writing poetry, making people laugh, swimming in cold water, being in nature, and loving children and my dear partner my entire adult life. I have always sought healing. Ever since that day at 16 when I found myself leaning over the toilet, when I was thrust back into my body, saw myself with crystal eyes, and had to ask myself what the hell I was doing. I wanted to get better. I wanted to heal by accepting myself as I was, not necessarily bettering myself. In all of these years talking with the trees, loving music and art, creating a long yearned for relationship with my mother, I have had to realize that my soul does not need improving on. I am so beyond perfect as I am. I just need balance and self acceptance. So, I trust I will find my way. I am grateful for this journey of self awareness I have been on for a long time now, and I trust that I will find myself amid the joy, deep deep love, and probably some tears in the grateful years to come.