I have been taking it easy now for over a week. I did too much this summer working out and working around the property while dealing with Steve’s illness and taking up slack around the house. It feels nice. I have had a successful few months, and now I get to rest and meditate. I have visited the ancient willow every day now for over a week, and sat with my AA literature; one book is titled “Drop the Rock”, and I have found it incredibly enlightening. I have read from my own book, and poetry from a spiritual author in my opinion, David Whyte. I have pulled a tarot card just a couple of days, and one time it was pure magic. I have listened to nature and watched the geese fly over the valley. I have witnessed the poplars in the field beyond begin to turn yellow. I have listened to music, drank coffee, and smoked cigarettes. I have allowed my body to transition from this intense period of working, to a slower and gentler cadence of rest and meditation. 

I also have been putting up with headaches, congestion, and general fatigue for the last week. I needed ibuprofen for several days to fight the headaches. The last few days, I dealt with anxiety, and have taken some prescribed Ativan to counter those symptoms. I have done deep step work with the sixth seventh step in my twelve step program. Because of stress, and because of exposing myself to a couple of draining situations, I broke my sobriety, and I drank two beers one night to help me sleep. I am taking a new medication that requires that I not drink, and I believe that what is best for my mental health, and for my much needed daily medication prescribed for schizoaffective disorder, is to live a sober life. I thus “turned myself in” to my sponsor, and promptly returned my self and my thinking back to the program. This does not hurt my pride. I was approaching six months of complete abstinence, but I have done this before. My last stint of sobriety lasted eight and a half months, and I have been almost completely steady in AA for over two years. Every now and then, because of mental symptoms, I become prone to drinking one or more of Steve’s beers that are around the house every day. The beers helped me sleep that night, but now I am back in AA with assured conviction. I am a one day at a time enthusiast, and I am perfectly happy with where I stand. It does not affect my ability to work a good program, and to continue my journey developing good relationships in my two national online Zoom meetings.

Reading some published writing yesterday on my website, specifically the nonfiction ramblings in “Memoirish Uncut”, I was taken back in time to 2017, when I officially started my journey of living sober and also officially stopped going to the bar. I gleaned a few tips from these self-reflections. I was reminded of exploring a book titled “You Are Psychic”. Lately, my healing journey has reminded me that I must get more in touch with, and nurture, my mind-body connection. Referring to these reflections about my psychic abilities, I was able to navigate what went wrong within me that I would risk my sobriety and choose to drink. Part of it was that I was testing myself. I needed to not adopt false dogma for my personal situation. I was always a very controlled drinker. That being said, I need AA to save and preserve my mental health. 

Due to the psychic state that I had unearthed within me after a week sitting by the tree, and three weeks doing intensive step work on steps 5-7, I should have been protecting my delicate and emotional psychic being. Instead, I went headlong into two situations where there was extensive need and and a lot of mental unrest. Chronic situations really, that if I had not been so tore open with illness, physical recovery, meditation, and step work, I would likely have not been phased, as I do this sort of thing a lot; reaching out to mental health sufferers, and being a volunteer for this group that is very needy. That being said, I am back to resting physically and mentally, and I am proud to say that I am on day 2 of continuous sobriety.

My only dog now, my sweet Lionel, is lying at my feet in this office where I now write. He also lies here during my Zoom meetings. When I lay down in bed, I have to be careful to step over him as I get up. He is always there, right at my feet. My dog is a constant reminder to slow down and to be selfless. Half of the reason I go to the tree everyday, and will continue to on and off as long as the weather permits, is to spend time with Lionel. He sits with me for the hour, or the hour and a half, that I spend there, reading and meditating under the great tree. He is my companion, and with the departure of his life long friend Bruce the dog, he has replaced that loyalty and companionship with being in my presence. The time we spend at the tree is so valuable, for both of us. I do not know how long this current “time off” of activity and chores will last, but I have now fully embraced stillness. I am so grateful to be practicing rest, and in this rest and evolution,` to have the presence of my dog and my man.