Disability is a large and often painful pill to swallow. But being disabled has also brought illumination and strength. I am still learning. It is through pain and loss that we learn. It is through struggle and challenge that we find wisdom. It is a path to humility, an open heart and empathy. I no longer see my life through the lens of western culture. I see my evolution as a person as more of a natural mechanism. Often I am reflecting on my life, and my partner’s life as he too is disabled, and I see how strong we really are. I see how much we are able to do for others, and I see the love and acceptance we inhabit. Our way of life is simple. We both tire easily and struggle regularly. But we have been able to lean into and appreciate more the gifts that we have. As we have softened through the healing process, we have become closer to family, and thus have found increased support by being worthy members of our family. I still at times struggle with emotions that tell me I am not enough. But this is simply not true. The more awareness and acceptance that I bring to my struggles, the more I am able to appreciate those around me, and the kinder I become. This kindness is a gift and spreads throughout the world in a ripple effect. My job, as a mental health consumer, is to take care fo myself. As I learn to do this with all of my abilities; becoming sober, lowering expectation, and overcoming perfectionism; my job then becomes a blessing. I find the ability to be of use to others. 

My mental health has become more critical during these last five years. I have had several major episodes, and it has been very hard on my family and my partner, as well as myself. I crave to have more wellness under my belt, though right now it is only five months since my last episode. How do I regain the trust and confidence of others? How do I prove to them that I am a well person and not the sick person that they witnessed doing unstable or unnerving things? How do I forgive myself for activities that bring me shame? In my thirties, I was able to accrue 9 years of continual wellness, with no major episodes. I would experience strain, but never fell seriously ill. I held various jobs and I developed friends that really respected me, several which have fallen to the way side during these last five years. In many ways I have tamed. I have practiced not drinking most of these last five years, and I have been attending AA meetings for 28 months, though I have just 48 days of continual sobriety as of today. Because of mental illness, I find myself confronting feelings of shame and hurt pride. I wonder at times what people are thinking of me. 

My life is evolving, however, and many good things have emerged over these last five years. I have explored faith extensively, and learned to read the tarot. I am attending a new church. I have emerged as gender non-binary, something that I suppressed for many years. I have come out sober and seeking sobriety recovery and all that entails. I have become closer to my family as we openly discuss my mental illness and what they can do to help in times of hardship. I have healed my relationships with my mother, father and sister. I have healed my very important bond with my husband, and have become a nicer and less reactive spouse. I put out a book and have continued to write and publish on my blog. I have found myself through writing and recovery. They are all I wish to do, and they help and accent my pursuit of wellness. Somehow, through these last very difficult five years, God has thrown in some beautiful evolutions of my soul and person. I have found that getting well and healing may not always look the prettiest on the outside. Perhaps these episodes that I have endured, and the healing has come afterwards, have allowed for improvement, healing insight, and growth. This could be a metaphor for disability in my life, as well.

In Buddhism they believe that life must have balance; that there is opportunity for blessing, but this must be balanced with struggle and hardship. Eventually we learn that there is neither good nor bad, but that life simply exists, in a balanced fashion. So when I struggle, when I get sick and have an episode, I can seek out the balance to that struggle, while finding the healing, the blessing, and the light that will emerge from all of my darkness. I must try, and I must believe. I have risen to the occasion, and I can now see that these last five or six years of hardship have moved me in a very positive direction. I have reckoned with my mental illness, and the jewels of my life are surfacing through the sand. I have been forced to take my recovery and wellness very seriously. I have found support, fellowship, sponsorship, and very good professional help. I have healed and nurtured ties with family, and have healed through writing, praying, and practicing basic wellness such as exercise, and mediation. I am grateful for this path that my disability has carved for me, and I cherish what blessing I have even more in its humble entirety.