It seems I have accomplished the impossible. It is still a daily reprieve and I have to resist the urge to smoke every day, but now two weeks have passed without a cigarette, or nicotine in any form. I originally cut back the end of July, quit on the first of August, then quit again on the twelf of August. Steve and I are doing this together, and so far we have been able to encourage each other in the weak moments. All this has me thinking about letting go of the past. There are many passionate moments in my past, love making and savoring nature, the mountains and the rivers, but I see the benefit in letting the past go and not living there. I can dream of the future as well, my niece and nephew growing up, what it will be like when my parents pass and my sister and I are left with property and money, and the possibility of living the latter years of my life without Steve. I have always had more of a tendency to live in the past rather than the future, however. I want to let go of so much and just move on.

I want to let go of the pain; all of my psychosis and anguish I have experienced due to my mental illness. Living in recovery is helping me do this. I have learned the value of living for this very moment and for today only. And I continue to live this way. It has helped me thus far to quit smoking and drinking. I have to focus just on today in order to overcome the amazing forces of addiction. To do this, I have had to let go of my past. I am still learning to do this. Attending recovery meetings daily has me remembering why I want to live only for today. I want to live in humility, in forgiveness, in compassion, in acceptance, and in gratitude. As I heal my addictive tendencies, and live in stability with my mental illness, I am able to let light and healing in. No longer do my addictions pull me into stories of pain in my past. I heal stories and resentments. I heal, forgive myself and others, and let go of my past.

I must do this in order to step into my future step by step. I have a future now that I have learned to heal. As I let go of all I have been, I can see that there is endless opportunity to become anything at all. All I have is this moment today. For now, all I want to focus on is not having a cigarette or a drink. I’m not sure which comes first, the letting go of a painful thought, or the not imbibing in an addictive substance which helps me push the painful thought further inside. They go hand in hand it seems. The less I imbibe, the more I am able to heal my pain, and learn to let go. Step by step, day by day, my moment and day becomes increasingly bright and painless. I find that I am able to act in faith, and that I can think about all kinds of things without attaching my own pain. Big things, moments to come. I now have faith that I will be able to handle anything. Today, I will work my program. Moment to moment, hour to hour. I become better at letting go every day.

Healing is an organic process, and as a planet we have so much to heal collectively. I must first start with the woman in the mirror. All I have control over is how I react to life and how I engage with it. It is funny, I find myself wanting a cigarette when I am stressed, and instead of smoking, I am able to look at the situation and recognize that I need a break and that I may be doing too much. Then the urge eventually subsides. What seemed hopeless for so many years, the prospect of quitting, became possible because I entered a lifestyle where I care deeply about my mental health. I found that quitting drinking was wise to maintain good mental health, and I found that twelve step meetings offer the support and connection that I need in order to make the kind of progress that I wish to make in life, progress within myself. When I discovered that this was where I wanted to do my work, and to make my progress, it was a huge relief because I could do this for free, and I could do this despite my disability. I did not need another book published, or to go back to college, or to take classes. All I needed was a computer, a Zoom account, and a willingness to change. Life has improved so much, and I have learned plenty.

Today I am two weeks clean from nicotine and tobacco. It is truly unbelievable. I never thought I would make it this far. Now I can put one foot in front of another, live day by day, accept a life of recovery, and continue down this road that brought me to this day. In great humility I accept that I need help, and I know where to find it.