Any addiction is hard to overcome, for any and every type of person. I would like to talk about my unique brain chemistry, and what it means for me to overcome the addiction of tobacco and nicotine. Obviously all brains are different, and if one suffers greatly from addiction, they also are likely to have some degree of mental health issues. Often when people sober up from alcohol, they find they need to address symptoms of depression or anxiety. Recently, I gave up caffeine. When I took away the drug, I immediately began to suffer from severe side effects from the medications I take for my psychiatric diagnosis of schizoaffective disorder bipolar type. It was most likely the one antipsychotic that I take, Olansapine. I was on a fairly high dose of the medication at the time. I was using caffeine to overcome and treat these side effects, and when I took away the bandaid of caffeine, I was overcome with drowsiness, heaviness, sluggishness etc. Funny thing is, this did not last very long. My body soon assimilated to these side effects and I felt what I deem as normal once again. The caffeine was keeping my body from naturally adjusting on its own. Bodies and brains are very resilient if given the chance. Since then I have gone down from 40mg to 30mg of that medication due to long term stability, and I feel even better. I still need the medication. I live with a baseline chemical imbalance, that left untreated will result in psychiatric hospitalization.

This small experiment with caffeine, reminded me that I am working with a delicate recipe or cocktail while treating my chemical imbalance. Many that quit alcohol or tobacco, even if they suffer from a degree of anxiety, depression, or mild mood disruption, have a normal to return to. I unfortunately do not. My normal must be treated by a large handful of medications. So when I remove a large amount of nicotine use from my life, there is quite a hole, that my medication must fill in and that my body must adjust to. This is a gradual process and must be taken very carefully. I know that there is no easy way to quit smoking. I have tried the patch and the gum, and Chantix is not an option for me. I simply have to cut back and keep reminding myself that I do not want to be a smoker. I do not want to smoke. I find that first there is the physical craving, then there is a desire to partake, and then there is simply the habit to break. While doing this, I must not go too intensely into withdrawal, for that means that I have taken away a chemical that my brain has been using for stability, and my other medications have not covered up that hole quite yet. My body also has to do its fair share of adjusting. It is a precarious thing, quitting smoking. My psychiatrist has advised me to not go too quickly.

With any addiction, if one does not quit entirely, they run the risk of falling back into their old ways. This is the added risk of my approach. Eventually I will have to give of smoking entirely, but with my brain chemistry it is important that I cut back gradually. Over the last several days, I have cut back from over a pack a day to under ten. There are twenty in a pack. I hope over the next few days to cut back to 3 to 5 cigarettes, and then from there to attempt quitting entirely. I must battle feelings of ambiguity, I must fight the urge to say “fuck it” and as I said I must fight the physical withdrawal, the desire, and the habit. The whole ordeal has had an interesting effect on my overall behavior. I am tried and weak. Overcoming the addiction is exhausting. I must give myself a break for the time being. I have used nicotine as a crutch for too long. In a way it is fine, because I do not live a life that requires too much from me, just exercise and chores. I can take a step back from these activities and I will be fine. I will return to them when my body is able to. Every morning I take my prune juice, do my morning routine of flossing, brushing, washing my face and taking my daily movement, and then I walk the dog. I also attend at least one support meeting every day, though quitting an addiction has me more interested and yesterday I attended three. I may get to a few chores, and most likely run some errands in town. I seem to be able to accomplish these simple tasks thus far.

My mother said to me, when I was attempting to quit last September, that quitting smoking might be the most important thing that I do in my life. I try to remind myself of this when it feels really hard. I have to keep pushing forward, but at a gentle pace so that I do not disrupt my brain chemistry too much. I am lucky that I can hold my delicate being in a swaddling embrace as I take away from it a much needed crutch. It may seem impossible at times, but it is not. Whether it is will power, or surrender, I have what it takes to overcome this addiction. I know I do. I have been in recovery meetings for addiction for almost five years. I gave up drinking a while ago. Now I hope to take my recovery to the next level. Wish me luck, send your prayers or good vibes or whatever you have in support and solidarity. Thank you very much!