What do I do when things get truly difficult? I suppose I lean on the wisdom and people that are at my disposal. Sunday, I made it to Quaker meeting here on Lopez, and it was a sweet time that fed my spirit. I also have been attending meetings every day through this quitting smoking process. I had a hard night a couple nights ago, and life in general has been a real struggle. I am reminded how there are things that are completely out of my control. For this I need to surrender, and find solace in the things that I can control and change. I can go to a meeting, hug a friend, pick up the phone, or just sit still and listen to and breathe in nature.

Recently, Steve, my partner, has been struggling greatly with chemotherapy and the adverse effects of the treatments. He stopped after completing six out of the eight sessions, and felt that he could go on no longer. Through this difficult time I have been able to clean and cook to the best of my abilities. I have not been able to get to everything, but I am accepting of the way things are. I unfortunately do not live up to the standards of most of my family. I look at my amazing and beautiful family, and I watch as they all exceed in life, being active, busy, productive, and working hard. On the other hand, what Steve and I do best is struggle. It has been that way for decades, even before we were both disabled. I just can’t keep up. And the unfortunate thing is that people, especially my family, don’t really understand the disease I live with. I am not talking about addiction. I am speaking of mental illness. I do my best to keep my head above water, but the thinking that goes behind what my mother and sister say to me baffles me at times, then I have to say to myself, “Well, Moon, they are not schizoaffective, they have no idea what it is like to live inside of your body.” Then I go on and I feel alone. That is why I desperately need a program. Because if it is not that, then it is me scrambling for connection in destructive ways, which did serve me for many years, like going to the bar and having a drink. I cannot monetarily afford and support that lifestyle anymore.

And now I have quit smoking as well. I am not on any nicotine whatsoever, and I don’t drink alcohol nor do I consume caffeine. I am doing my best to get these recreational drugs out of my system. I haven’t smoked weed recreationally since high school, and I gave up psychedelics, really the only “drugs” I ever did, in the last millennia. So, when this difficult reality descended upon me a couple nights ago, I was able to accept my emotions and not smoke or drink over it. Though the events are still with me, I am bearing the pain naturally, and not with stimulants. I am so very grateful for this. And I need my meetings, every day, to keep me on track. I need them to remind me why I am sober. I want this and I need this. I cannot fall into the black hole that living with an illness that people and family do not understand created in my life. I often think, what would I do without Steve, my person? Where would I go to find people that felt similarly, who would be there to listen and to try to understand? AA is the closest thing I have to a support network of people that struggle with the same things, or very similar things, that I do. There are many folks in my meetings that live with mental illness. And being sober is the best we can do for ourselves to hope for good in our lives, and to live prosperous and healthy lifestyles.

So, what is new? The battle continues day by day, and life continues to put forth new challenges. I need to recognize that I do not have control over other people and what they choose for themselves. But I do get to choose how I live. Alcoholics are not the most grateful people, until we get sober. This is a big reason why we have to sit through so many gratitude meetings. I am in control of my own attitude, my own sobriety, and my own actions. I find solace in this reality. And God knows that I am doing my best, I really am. We will get through this, one day, on moment, one breath at a time. I can put one foot in front of the other, and do the next right action for my life. I can try and let up on expectations of myself and others, so as to help me better accept things that need to be accepted. And I can do my best, be impeccable with my words, try and not take things personally, and try and never make assumptions. These are just four agreements, a starting place for living an ethical and healthy life. I can make more agreements for myself as I learn and persevere. And, I will give myself affirmations, every day, to remind myself that I am good, worthy, and loved.