I’d like to talk a little more about the psychological addiction of an eating disorder. I suffered with a mild to moderate case of anorexia-bulimia my freshman and sophomore years in high school. By the time I was sixteen, I was coming out to my fellow counselors in my camp unit at a YMCA camp, and trying very hard to stop purging and starving myself. I was an avid runner, and played soccer and softball my freshman and sophomore years. I was on varsity cross country, which essentially meant I finished in the top seven of all classes steadily freshman and sophomore year, before I attended a different arts school for junior and senior years that did not have a team. I kept running though, and would occasionally relapse and purge all throughout high school. I did not tell anyone in my family until I was an adult, and I did not stop relapsing until I was nineteen and with my current partner. I began to gain weight at this time because of psych meds, and continued to put on weight in my adult years. I remember being shamed by some friends as this happened, though strangely I was relieved. The world stopped objectifying me in the same way. As years went on, I learned to shame myself for actually being fat. I fell out of being an active athlete at first, as living with mental illness and taking meds was hard and makes you sluggish. In my late twenties and all throughout my thirties, I became very active in yoga and walking/hiking. I have put in endless miles down the country roads, and became quite good at yoga despite my curves. Then in my late thirties and early forties, I am forty-four now, I have attended the gym regularly. I also swim and do whatever I can to stay active. My body is not as resilient as it once was, and I have to be careful to not do too much. I am not sluggish or lazy, rather incredibly committed to staying active, and this can lead to fatigue or injury. A warped sense of body image and overdoing exercise is mostly how the psychological addiction of my eating disorder plagues me to this day.

It is okay to have curves and be plus-size. I was anything but curvy in high school when this addiction began, and still I fell prey to it. It was a way to feel a sense of control or personal power. I may have not been able to control who liked me or what parties I was invited to, but I was able to control my body, and this sense of personal power and control was addictive. I never was bad enough that I needed medical treatment. When I started to recover and raise awareness within myself on the issue, is when I fist entered recovery at the age of fifteen or sixteen. This is the first moment that I began to take self-care very seriously. Starting senior year, I had other mental health issues. I rebounded from a major depression at seventeen, and carried on to excel and graduate. Here too, I learned to practice self-care. Journaling every morning greatly helped me recover from this depression, as did re-bonding with my parents. Then at eighteen I was hospitalized for a psychotic break. I found my lover at nineteen, and he sobered me up in a few ways. I had been a terrible kleptomaniac, and was still occasionally purging. His rationale and wisdom helped me stop both of these actions for good. Even with the weight gain that began at nineteen, and continued throughout my entire adult life, I never returned to having an active eating disorder. But, because it is an addiction, I never fully recovered either. I have struggled with negative body image because of the added weight. Having a warped sense of body image is part of an eating disorder, so on bad days, or what I would sometimes call a “fat attack”, I would plunge deep into self-loathing and would shame myself horribly.

Today I am at my heaviest, but I have an amazing appreciation for my body. I love myself in ways that were long overdo, but that still elude many I know both thin and fat. My breasts are very large, and mostly I do not wear bras. This began in 2017, about six years ago, and about five years ago I threw out every last bra I owned (though I purchased some basic 4X sports bras for the gym later on). This was revolutionary for me and a sign that my body image had greatly improved. I used to be so ashamed of my large breasts and my chin hair. Now I let my boobs fly free, and I let my chin hair grow with pride. My non-binary identity has given me appreciation for all body hair. Gender non-conformity in general may have given me added permission to accept my folds and curves as well. I started following body positive activists and plus sized athletes and models on social media, and that has given me context and community when it comes to the need to accept my body. I have achieved new heights in living with and recovering from a psychological addiction that has plagued my life since I was fourteen. I may have mental illness and other addictions to reckon with, but my eating disorder is at the root of it all, and also was my first attempt at self-love and recovery. I am not perfect, but I now can go on a diet without cringing at the word, I can exercise while being gentle with my bad knee or heavier frame, and I can allow my body to just be what it is and be grateful for it. I used to say that if women (and sometimes men or others) spent the amount of energy that we focus on weight, diet, and body image, on something else out in the world, we could move mountains. It is sad really, the energy and time we put into doing anything but accepting ourselves exactly the way that we are. We could save the world, literally. So, I plan to do that. I no longer wish to focus in on what is wrong with my body, and instead, while loving myself, I will reach outward to see what I can do in the world. It may be service in my recovery community, church, or family. It may be in taking the time to educate myself on a world issue. But I can give, I can give so much. It starts with me and with finishing the healing that I started as a young teenager. I have been on this path all of my adult life. I am grateful today to be making huge strides in recovery from all of my addictions. It is important for me to not forget about my eating disorder. I am recovered, and I have grown so much more healthy, but there is still awareness to be had. I love you Moon, huge boobs, large firm bottom, bulging tummy, side flaps and thick thighs alike. You are beautiful.