In the program that I attend meetings for, we discuss the concept of powerlessness. It is mentioned in the first step of our recovery program, and is essential to finding the way towards recovery and away from addiction for many of us. We have been discussing this for the last week especially, as it is the first month of the year 2023. But even before we began exploring powerlessness in the meetings I attend, the concept was very much up for me as the holiday season came to a close, and as we moved our way out of the darkness and towards the light, at the end of 2022. Specifically, I am moved by powerlessness in the respect of living most of my life with a mental illness disability and as an alcoholic. What I have found, is that not believing that I am powerless over my illnesses plagued me through many years of survival and recovery. When I was young and first reckoning with an eating disorder, a psychological addiction, and my first experiences with blackouts and alcohol, I was also used to living life believing that I was invincible. I suffered in silence for many years and I did not seek outside help. In my twenties I avoided therapy and mental health support groups. I was different. I was stronger than my problems. I was better off alone and suffering individually. I strove for many years to overcome my disability with will power, and leaned into my drinking. Alcohol became a lover and a friend. Painting and writing were my sole therapies. I did eventually find yoga and therapy, but not until my thirties. I also did not successfully attempt to fully quit drinking until my late thirties, despite one full year of abstinence after leaving the hospital when I was twenty eight. By twenty eight I was very much an alcoholic. It was easier to abstain at that age.

Today I am learning to embrace powerlessness and my weaknesses as a human being and a survivor. I have learned that in my vulnerabilities, reside truths that I could not always face. Ironically, I was not strong enough to face and admit weakness. I have learned through accepting full-time recovery, that my disability, meaning my mental illness, has a nature and a face that I was not always able to show. I struggle daily with symptoms, and I am regularly managing my life with care so that I do not end up symptomatic. It is a twenty-four hour job. As I accept my weakness with mental illness, and lean into practices that help me on this path, such as recovery meetings, meditation, exercise, and abstaining from drugs and alcohol, I am finding healing in areas that have long needed attention. It is not until I admit my illness, agree to treatment, and love myself at the deepest core level of my disability, that I begin to see who I was always meant to be. My illness is a gift. But I cannot accept my delicate nature and the gifts that reside within, while abusing alcohol and trying to appear normal. In the beauty of self-acceptance, I have also embraced my non-binary identity. Stuffing my true nature and my grief over my disability into the bottle, kept me from knowing my true self regarding mental illness, as well as my gender identity. Today I was approached by some people in my program to speak to a committee member in regards to representing non-binary people, and their exclusion from a larger women’s conference that is being planned. Women had voted to exclude non-binary gendered people, and this very much violates our third tradition, that states “the only requirement for membership is a desire to stop drinking”. I am honored to be able to speak about my experience in an attempt to help the situation find a reasonable and all inclusive solution.

My life is developing in a three dimensional way since I have quit drinking and have admitted my powerlessness. Giving up my will and asking for help, I find that I may not be in control anymore. In that sweet release, my life has been guided in directions that I am so happy about and that I did not know were possible. I think of a quote from a song: “You can’t always get what you want, but if you try sometimes, you just might find, you get what you need.” Giving over control and the will, and admitting my weaknesses, I can finally become honest with myself and others. I have been able to stop fighting to prove that I am strong when I am not. I can learn to practice love for my illnesses, and find a road to healing. And most of all, I am not alone on this path. In recovery I have found so many souls that are suffering as well, or have suffered extensively. These people and their stories are a reminder of the growth and success that can happen when we admit that we are powerless. Acceptance of my illness and addiction, has allowed me to flourish. I needed deeply to stop and take care of myself in this way, and not push forward and contort my life through using in order to appear strong to the outside world. It is possible that I wasn’t fooling anyone. Now, I find strength in my powerlessness to move forward, one day at a time.