There is a very thick layer of snow on the ground. The sun is out, and all is white and sparkly. There is a wind, and drifts of microscopic crystals come blowing through the air, and breathing in the air is very cold. Sometimes, when we are able bodied humans we can forget to be grateful for any ease we experience in life. Even me, a mentally disabled human, can take advantage of the able-ness I experience in my physical life. Walking through a foot and a half of snow can be a valid metaphor, for living life with a disability. Everything is more difficult. Some of the limitations that I experience with my disability are as follows; I cannot work or attend college, I cannot have children, I cannot stay up all night and must manage my sleeping hours carefully, I experience strong side effects from my psych meds, and I experience manageable symptoms regularly that limit my performance in life. It is very much like walking through thick snow, and becoming out of breath when others seems to walk through life without the extra effort.

My life partner also has a disability, though his is of the physical form. Because he has an able mind, and does not suffer from mental illness in any form, he can be a rock for me to lean upon. I too can support him by doing the brunt of the physical chores and errands. We go together well. Together we make a whole person. But sometimes we both have difficulty, sometimes at the same time, and in these moments, we must practice gratitude as we slow down and attend to our disabilities.

Still, there is a lot to be grateful for and to be learned from, living a life with a disability. The struggle and hardship that we go through, can result in greater strength and perspective in regards to facing the hardships that everyone experiences. Everyone has to face the realities of death and disease in their life or the lives of those close to them. I only hope that my struggle, and the sharing of my struggle through my writing, lends a hand to others who suffer. Sometimes, living with a disability, one can forget that there are people going through the motions of life with the majority or their abilities in tact. It can be difficult to explain to them the reality of suffering that we endure. All people search for deeper meaning, and many long for rich spiritual lives regardless of their ability in life. If we that struggle with disability, speak out and share our experience, it may help others live richer more spiritual lives. I dream that people who read my reflections on life living with mental illness, take something helpful away from reading my words.

When we struggle regularly, moments where we experience a reprieve can feel amazingly blessed. This morning, as I take in the winter wonderland that is all around me, sip my coffee in the sunshine, and listen to my new playlist, I am reflecting on the richness and luxury that I have in my simple life. I may not have money, property, a career or children, but I do have a loving partner of almost twenty five years. I have my parents for the time being, and beautiful niece and nephews, along with a loving sister and brother in law. To be honest, sometimes my goal living with mental illness is simply to cause as little harm as possible. I have experienced so much forgiveness, understanding, and love from my partner and family. The reality is that many many people with a diagnosis such as myself, are in jail or a psych ward. I have never been arrested, and I have not visited a psych ward in over fifteen years. My psychiatrist reminds me that not going to the hospital is a great accomplishment. I am grateful. I have longed to have the company of peers that experience mental illness, so that I can gain added perspective and gratitude for my health. Stability is a beautiful thing, and though after nine years of stability, I had major episodes in 2016, 2018, 2019, and 2021, I managed to avoid the hospital. Right now, I am approaching two years of considerable stability on my current meds. Because of recent episodes, I have had to swallow my pride, lean into clinical recovery, and quit drinking over these last four years. It has been a rough ride also watching my partner become disabled since 2017, but I am in a better place because of it. I only pray that writing about my experience living with disability, and sharing about my recovery in meetings, I might help another on this sometimes rocky road that we all experience.