“I need a break.” This is a common sentence said and felt among caregivers. Recently, I have become a caregiver for my disabled husband. In 2017, Stephen received a spinal surgery that resulted in him narrowly avoiding becoming paralyzed and needing a wheelchair. Eight years later, Steve is struggling more with walking than he was during his recovery from surgery in 2017-18. He uses a walker to get from the bathroom to the bedroom to the kitchen. Occasionally he ventures out to the porch. Recently he has given up cooking in the kitchen or doing dishes, and hasn’t gone for a walk around the property since before his cancer treatment which occurred between October 2023 and October 2024. Originally, we thought that he was dealing with the effects from the radiation and chemotherapy treatments that he endured, and this still may be true. He has had to cut back on his drinking, of which he only drinks wine, because of his recent immobility. I am very proud of him, and mostly we haven’t had to deal with any recent falls, of which there have been many. The next step is to get a full spinal MRI, to see if further bone spurs have developed anywhere on his spine. The bone spurs that they cleaned out in 2017, were essentially in seven of his vertebrae, and for this reason, his surgery was the most advanced and severe of its kind. He had amazing care at UW medicine in Seattle, and we are still amazingly grateful for his surgeon and his surgical team. He currently has two rods and fourteen screws in his neck. We are not sure if he can endure another surgery of this sort. We have not had regular intercourse for about nine or so years.

I do not miss sex, and celibacy suits me just fine, as I myself have suffered with sexual traumas, and am currently in perimenopause. Sex had become painful, and I believed this had to do with me rejecting being a woman. I have identified as Non-binary/Trans since 2017, however as I venture deeper into menopause, and my chi and hormones become transformed, I am deeply embracing my journey as a girl and woman in this life. This feels good and right, and I believe gender is and should be fluid.

The good news, is that I recently was accepted to Mental Health and Addiction Services at Harborview through UW Medicine, and have a new psychiatrist that I will meet through a Telehealth appointment on January 28th. My current private psychiatrist is retiring in April. It feels good to be in the UW system as my local clinic here on Lopez Island is also UW Medicine. My last and most recent hospitalization was in 2007, when I was admitted to Harborview, and God forbid, if I was ever to be hospitalized again, I would definitely want to be driven down to Harborview in Seattle. 2007 was the worst psychotic break of my life, at the age of 28, possibly due to a Saturn return, the psychosomatic stress I experienced in full-time massage school, and Lithium poisoning. I had requested Lithium, because I allowed my mother to be involved with my mental health care, crossing a boundary that I have, as she had heard about a doctor in Canada who was raving about Lithium. I do not resent her for this, rather I see that I must work at continuing to honor my own personal boundaries and values, as allowing her involvement at that time was a grave mistake. Harborview saved my life. I experienced a year sober from alcohol during this time in AA, and I moved to Lopez Island where I found great peace, serenity, and stability.

AA as a twelve-step program helped me immeasurably in 2007-2008 as well as 2019-present. Sobriety has been a journey that I have been on since my breakdown in 2016, when I narrowly avoided the psych ward. I believe I am on a nine year cycle; 1998, 2007, and 2016 were the worst episodes of my life. I have not been hospitalized since 2007 or over the last eighteen years. Due to early perimenopause, and this nine year cycle, there was an end to nine years of working part-time and much achieved stability here on Lopez Island. As I was saying, my chi and hormones are transforming who I am as a woman. I experienced pretty serious episodes in the summers of 2018 and 2019, and one in January-mid March of 2021. These were not typical episodes as all my previous episodes and hospitalizations happened around my birthday, at the break of Spring. I learned over the years to take great care with this life pattern. This change in my behavior, and an uptick in my meds, has all been recent, and due to this, I feel I am more evenly balanced and I am not extremely worried about a hospitalization or major psychotic break this year, in 2025. Right now, I am sensitive, nurturing myself, and actually on less meds than I have been in years. I am close with, and in good communication with my family. In October of last year, I started the twelve-step program of Al-Anon, where I feel that I truly belong. For the first time in my life, I am surrounded by women with whom I feel comfortable, as well as held, in their presence. I am still sober, I do service twice weekly in AA, and I attend Al-Anon meetings five days a week at 7am. I look forward to each and every morning meeting. Steve too, has had his brush with sobriety from alcohol, and at one point quit drinking for almost two years. We both quit smoking for about eleven weeks, but recently I have returned to this practice. I know how to quit now, and someday soon, perhaps when my risky time of year has passed, I will attempt this again.

In conclusion, I want to say that it is always okay to take a break. Whether it is for your mental health and sanity, your physical health, or your spiritual and emotional health, you do not have to ask permission or feel guilty for doing so. Right now, the communal stress level is heightened with the fires in LA, other bad weather, and war in the Sudan, Ukraine and Palestine. Everything has become expensive, and most of us are struggling with the basic needs of food and shelter, as well as much needed health care and medication. Lean into your loved ones. Live for today. Find peace and serenity wherever you can and in whatever way you can. You deserve it.