I am finding that physical activity is incredibly important for my mental and spiritual health. I just finished doing a half hour workout in my living room. It was dancing, and it felt so good to move my whole body in that way. I have been attending the gym since we reached the end of Steve’s cancer treatment. Mostly I have been walking and riding the recumbent bike. My new routine is three miles on the treadmill, and fifteen minutes on the bike. But, today I woke up and thought I would throw in one of my dancing DVDs, only to find that I couldn’t get my DVD player to work. So, I went to the one You Tube video that I have used before, and that was super great. It is a compilation of six five minute videos, and the last two I really adore because they are very intuitive and free form. The first couple of weeks during our six week journey with traveling off island for Steves cancer treatments, I stretched on the weekends. I wish I did more yoga, but all of that is harder now that I am heavier. I gained ten or fifteen pounds during the last six weeks, and so am staying motivated to keep my body moving. In the past, I have had to watch for overdoing it, as too much exercise would cause mental health symptoms, but I have not experienced that thus far currently. I feel that physical activity is the most important thing that I can do for my health. I will keep a close eye on my mental health so that I don’t overdo it, but right now, walking and a half hour dance video do not feel like too much. I definitely got my sweat on. In some ways it was challenging, and I had to modify a few of the dances, but I feel so good after doing the workout. I have found that exercise in the morning wakes me up and gets me going for the day.

Body image has been a prevalent issue my entire adult life and in my teens. I had the mild to moderate eating disorder of anorexia/bulimia from ages fourteen to sixteen, and was recovering from it until I was nineteen, meaning I would occasionally purge during my later teens. I finally stopped when I got together with Steve. But body image and issues of self love followed me well into my twenties and thirties. As I gained weight because of my medications for my mental illness, and became plus sized, I had to practice radical acceptance, and work on my self talk. Fat was a word that haunted me greatly, and really, today at forty four and at the heaviest I have ever weighed, I am finally making the leap to full, radical body acceptance and self love. I do not have the time anymore to hate my body. I follow body positivity influencers on Instagram, and I embrace that I am plus sized. Some things are harder, I can’t really run or jump, but running, an activity that I adored in my teens, left my life when I had knee surgery at nineteen. Then at twenty two my breasts became very large, even before I became fat, and running was an issue. It actually took me all through my twenties to finally get used to being active again. Medications and mental illness made me sedentary. I was not snow boarding or running, but I did finally start yoga, walking, and swimming in my late twenties. I have walked hundreds of miles on the island roads where I live. In 2016 I stopped yoga because of an elbow injury, and never really picked it up again except for an irregular session in my living room or by myself at the gym. I miss the classes, and I am behind. But right now, I feel a new motivation to focus on my physical health. Maybe I will attempt a class sometime. I do miss it. I think yoga is a beautiful way to exercise, like the intuitive dances at the end of my dance workout.

Accepting my limitations as a plus sized person, and accepting and loving my fat body, seems to have lifted a barrier to being physically active. I feel new. I feel strangely motivated and committed. I think that being on enough medications, helps me with the effect that exercise can sometimes have on my mental health. It is important to get my meds right. It has taken years to fully assimilate and get used to my current psych meds. Right now, I am not feeling sluggish in the morning anymore. I gave up caffeine recently, and the studies say that caffeine over time actually adds to exhaustion. It is likely that no caffeine has given me the extra boost and resilience I needed to work out everyday. It is possible too, that my sobriety and commitment to recovery meetings, is helping manage my energy and focus by being brave enough to have good personal boundaries. Today, I am grateful for my body exactly as it is. I accept my limitations, and my curves. The other day I finally went through all of my clothes with my mom, and I got rid of so many clothes that either didn’t fit or that I didn’t relate to anymore. Having an uncluttered closet and having clothes that fit, or that are big and roomy, makes me feel better in my body as I work towards this full body acceptance. I am less triggered in general as I am sober, accepting of my non-binary gender, and caffeine free. Life is good. Being fat is okay. I can manage my life and work at my health regardless of being plus-sized. I have to say that I am very grateful to my mother for helping me purchase clothes that look good on my body. My friendship with her has evolved throughout my life, to become one of healthy and loving bonding. I feel seen and accepted, and that is huge coming from one’s own mother. I can give myself this love as well, now that I am growing up in sobriety and accepting getting older. I feel renewed. May you accept your body, right where you are, radically.