The air is cold, and the mountains are showing their majesty with fresh snow, highlighted by dark grey blue and the pale yellow sun. They are bigger this time of year because of the angle of the light. There is definitely less light as it is the Solstice, or was at 7:58 am this morning. Yesterday, I built a large fire in the yard, and sat by it in the cold clear light for three hours. It felt important to me to stop. I stopped and melded with the earthly element of fire. I prayed and meditated and felt the layers strip away. It was cold. I came in and napped under the covers in the sunlight, and then took a hot bath.

It felt pertinent to take a break in honor of the Solstice. I have been pushing myself hard at the gym for four weeks. There are added stressors or stimulators in my life, such as the holidays and all that goes on in our communal psyche this time of year, and construction happening on my house. I tend to push back against side effects from medications in order to move towards goals that I have; goals of fitness and cleanliness. It was time to sit completely still, and listen to what my body was telling me. What it was telling me, is that it was tired and it appreciated the rest. Rest and contemplation or prayer have been my guides this Solstice, and I am grateful.

My body willing, I got out for a walk today, but I did not push it. My mental illness being what it is, there are times that I need to check in and give myself a much deserved break. I vowed to take a whole week off of the gym, though I will get outside for walks. I will get back to the gym after Christmas. Right now, I want to savor the darkness, the stillness, and the quiet. I want to stay home and listen to my body. I have been playing a lot of solitaire, and this helps distract me and gives be a habitual activity that accents my self-soothing. 

In AA we learn about things such as emotional sobriety and self-soothing. For some, these concepts are completely foreign in early sobriety. And for those of us with mental illness, emotional stability and self-soothing are skills that constantly need to be mastered. For me, it is helpful to find activities such as playing cards or building and tending an outdoor fire. During these activities, I am able to listen to my deeper person. When I am listening to myself, sometimes difficult feelings can arise. In fact, since I did this to such a great degree yesterday, I am dealing with some feelings today. This is why it is so important that I consciously plan and take the time to check in. Doing this in a significant way once a month is necessary. Making a complete stop. I also found that attending AA meetings, of which I went to two yesterday, is another way that I check in with myself. Having slowed myself to such a degree, I found my prayers more intentional, and that I was able to listen better. These meetings are magic for me, and by just showing up I gain so much. Perhaps it was because I did not have a service position at either meeting, and was able to participate with increased intention. I volunteer at four meetings a week and act as the greeter or time keeper.

Certain phrases that we hear in the program such as “One day at a time”, or “Do the next right thing”, or “Meeting makers make it”, have become increasingly useful and inspiring. They also seem to help me stop and think about my life differently. I am encouraged to participate in the moment, to not fear what is coming next, and know that just by showing up I am laying the road for success. Self-soothing and emotional stability find their way. Even when one is living in the darkness, and can feel the folds of winter weighing them down, much like chronic emotional disturbance or instability, we can always put one foot in front of the other and pray that there is more light to come. Those of us that pray and worship around these solar events know that there’s increased light on the horizon, and we find meaning even in the darkest of days. There is meaning in the discomfort we feel day to day. If I keep showing up, if I live moment to moment and day to day, and I do the next right thing, I will stay true to course and find the right path. Stopping and listening to the deeper voice within may not come easily as my mind fights to stay active, but as the layers peel away, I can see how important it really is. This time of year is also about reaching out as we look inwards at our deeper beings. So as we approach Christmas, I hope for you that someone reaches for you, and that you reach out to others, so that we can be reminded of the loving spirit this holiday season.