My favourite album and song by Pink Floyd is “The Dark Side of the Moon”. The card that represents 18 in the Major Arcana of the The Tarot, is the Moon. I have taken the name of Moon, not because it represent’s my masculinity and the wish that I have to be referred to as a he/him, but because I sought to embody the Moon card, enter into my deep subconscious, and to feel the weight of the frozen shadow that is my dark side. Obviously, I have a dark side. I am schizoaffective, and recently have also discovered that I am alcoholic. Before I claimed step one, of which I am still on, “We admitted we were powerless over alcohol  — that our lives had become unmanageable”, I didn’t really trouble myself with the question of why; why I am the way that I am. I did however embark on the journey of ‘MoonFlickerStone’, which embodied hours in the woods, leaving behind my Christian identity, and eventually reclaiming it after much abstract thought and meditation. Now, in my program, I find myself integrating in a way that I have much needed to do. I will not lose the power, metaphor, and name of Moon, however. I have decided to carry this name onward, as I embark on reclaiming my lost identity at 18, when I fell sick with psychosis and bipolar disorder, and therefore lost and forgot who I truly am. “Moon” has helped me re-find this identity. Grief, getting lost in the woods, and becoming sober for the first time in two decades, has also aided on this reclaiming. I cannot fully become sober, however, until I claim the identity of alcoholic, and truly take one simple day at a time.

I will, eventually, believe that my God can help me on this journey of mental illness and addiction, and give myself, my life, and my will, over to God. Still, after one and three quarters years of studying the twelve steps, albeit still am on step one, I have conceived that one brings us to two which brings us to three which brings us right back to one. 1,2,3… And here we arrive at the Yin Yang, Lao Tse and Taoism, and the holy trinity. Perhaps a truly multi-tasking fool can hold three things in their mind at once. But for me, being a schizoaffective, I have come to find that the best thing for me to do is to only hold one idea, task, goal, mission, or love, in my mind at once. Regarding love, I am prone to feeling polyamorous, but I am a hopeless monogamous person — dude — dudette — Man. Perhaps it is because I am Christian. Perhaps it is because the most inspiring person that I have ever heard speak, at my high school graduation from my favourite school of all time (The Northwest School), spoke the following words of wisdom; (circa:) “If there is one thing that a person can do to make the world a better place in their lifetime, it is to fully realize the pain that they cause other human beings and thus the world.” Ever since I heard these words, I have known that I am a hopeless sinner. A heartbreaker by nature, a polyamorous believer, allergic to marriage, gay, bisexual, intelligent beyond comprehension (at least to smart people)… I thus have made it my mission to just not do any harm. Which is impossible by the way, because, the more compassionate one becomes, the more forgiving and empathetic one becomes, the more people fall for you, and the more mistakes are inevitable. It is almost as if in trying to end the scheming, it just crawls up your backbone, and thus all you know is the suffering of others. So I ask you, Renee, my Junior year Chemistry teacher — outdoor adventure guide, “How do I do this?”

I come back to the program when I become lost. One day at a time; just have faith that there are some things that are within your control, and some things that are beyond your control, just like in Chem. As I awaken every day and admit that I know nothing, and as I wake up everyday to learn more about the mystery and the miracle that I call life, I try to be a better person. I try to cause less harm, and to inflict less pain. I beg forgiveness from God, from myself, and from those whose paths I cross. One day at a time. I pray now, for serenity for myself, and for serenity for others; those I love, those I know, and those who I do not. Ain Sof Ain. Amen.