“Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid.” - Albert Einstein

I have loved this quote for many years. In my writing journey, I have talked about my mental illness being a gift, or in metaphor, a glass slipper. The glass slipper implies that there are characteristics to my sensitivity that make me different from people that do not live with chronic mental illness, and that I cannot survive living within societal norms. Reflecting on my illness as a gift is like learning to stop trying to climb this tree. The tree is society with all of its norms. These norms make it difficult for me to succeed. Four year college was a disaster, and work throughout the years has proven difficult. I have found a way to live life with mental illness in grace, however, as I have matured. In my sobriety and in perimenopause, I have had to reckon with my illness all over again. After living in my island community since my hospitalization in 2007, I spent nearly a decade in stability without a major episode. But as I grew older and approached forty, something began to change.

I have read about perimenopause and the transition the body goes through regarding our chi. I gained this wisdom from a writer and herbalist named Susun Weed. She discusses in her book “New Menopausal Years: Alternative Approaches for Women 30-90” the transition of our chi. As reproductive women our chi extends mostly down to the earth from between our legs. After transitioning menopause the chi then emerges out of the top of the head and cascades down around the body to the earth. I took an infusion of herbal tea every day for a year when I began early perimenopause at the age of 37, and this has helped my early transition. I gained the wisdom of what herbs to take from Susan Weed’s book, with some tweaking from an herbalist at my local apothecary. This transition of chi is well under way at 44, and I am aware of the “change”. It has made my mental illness harder to control, and I have been integrating and learning to live closer to my sensitivity during this time. I now have almost 21 consecutive months of sobriety, though I began the process of getting sober and started cutting back considerably at 37. I began my journey as non-binary at this time. It is as if my true “fish” nature was becoming hard to hide or suppress. I could not stomach alcohol anymore, which was helping me contain and deform my true nature with mental illness, sensitivity, and gender diversity. I can thank the “change” for contributing to this amazing journey of melding with my true authentic self.

I spent my twenties and thirties wishing that I could climb that metaphorical tree. But I was always a fish. On my journey in perimenopause and in sobriety, I am finding ways to live naturally with my disability and my gender. I am carving out a niche of simplicity. I have healthy relations with family, and am able to live with my mother. I have quit spending money eating and drinking out, and can survive on my disability. I have humbled myself before my mental illness and have embraced recovery full time. Accepting these limitations have allowed me to thrive. I am more in touch with my sensitive self. I am yearning for the environment in which I can thrive as a “fish”, while leaving the “tree” in the dust. My faith community and my recovery community have proven safe places to land and swim. As I let go of the metaphorical tree that is success by our societal norms, I have learned that I can be my authentic self in humility. Acceptance and gratitude prove to be helpful tools as well. I only hope that I am able to live another decade of mental stability. As I accept my limitations and embrace them fully, I am finding all sorts of gifts within. My life has become about the embracing of my true self and in mid-life finally learning to swim.