“The only way to beat the devil is to not play” - Anonymous

My life, it feels, has been not playing the game. I became disabled at 17, and have only been able to work and go to school in a limited fashion. I gave up the road of achievement early on. Having attended a school for the gifted when I was in elementary school, and private schools that were hard to get into for middle school and high school, as well as being born into an upper middle class white family, it seems that I should have done so. My friends from these years went to Yale, or acquired a PHD. Many others have done very well for themselves. I myself, have worked jobs at low wages, and was hospitalized when I attended college, three times and three different colleges, and soon found out that I could not go to school or work full-time. It almost felt as if I had fallen into the shadows at the edge of the road where my peers traveled. I did not keep in touch, and only know what their paths beheld because of FaceBook.

I do not regret my life, however. I found love, and I learned much on the off-roads with the “everyday” people. People who were not born into privilege. People who had to work for every penny they had, and did not have some inheritance in wait. And on this path of “shadows” I observed and learned much about our western colonized culture, that built itself upon the backs of slaves and profited on the slaughter of the indigenous. I have realized that the path I have taken has brought me many gifts. The struggle I experienced due to my disability led to a spiritual existence. I have suffered a great deal due to schizoaffective disorder. With the life of privilege that I left behind, I would have continued and perpetuated a western world built upon sin. It was built for the white man, not the woman, not the brown skinned. And no matter what you think, the more that things change, the more they also stay the same. We as a culture still gather in stadiums to watch the games, or worship and follow the crowned and privileged, the celebrities of music, theater, sports, and politics. If the devil is in the threads of this society build on privilege, sexism, and racism, what must one due to unravel them?

My disability keeps me from pursuing my writing in any sort of career fashion. What I feel when I am faced with any prospect of legitimate publication, is that the people that make up the industry are from the privileged. They have degrees and they assist a world that works amongst these “devilish” threads. Many publish works that raise awareness against oppression in society, but still one must play the game. And the game changes you as you play. Somehow my disability keeps me from doing so. I continue to blog, and follow whatever rules that I hold dear to my heart. I do not want to learn rules for writing from our white colonized culture. They are not the rules that I respect. They are meant to be broken and challenged. I may not have followers, I may not be selling my work, but I do have my integrity, and I maintain pure to my mission to raise awareness around my experience living with a debilitating mental illness. I also believe that every single person I touch on this journey matters. As we grow and blossom we create many ripples that can continue for infinitum. I do not wish to be in the stadium, playing the game, and turning myself into a false idol. I must step back, remain spiritual, ask for very little, and pray that on the shadowy path that I travel, beneath and aside the road of privilege and success, I find my way around the devil. By not engaging with the fabric of society in a traditional fashion, I may very well find my own way. I am not playing to win as is the fighter in the stadiums. I am not playing at all. There are many many people out there that wish they could play the torrid games of our culture of doom. Perhaps together we will find another way, and then leave the devil in the dust.