Self love, once realized, is exquisite. Many of us don’t realize that we are in a kind of hell in our minds day in and day out. There are words, emotions, and beliefs that are negative that can govern our experience with ourselves in life. I am no expert on self love, but lately, I have made a lot of progress practicing self love, self acceptance, and positive self talk. For me, one major barrier between me and myself achieving self love, is that I choose to not give myself credit for what I am able to accomplish. Recently, my partner and I embarked on quite a mission regarding his cancer treatment. We traveled off Island five days a week for six weeks, getting up at 4am, catching an early morning boat, and then driving 45 minutes to the hospital where he received his radiation and chemo therapy treatments. We got through it, and I did gain some weight from stress eating, but we made it to the other side. Steve of course deserves a great pat on the back for what he had to experience in treatment, but I too made it through unscathed. My mental health is in great shape, and I did not suffer in this realm at all. I did it all without caffeine as well. Now that I have recovered and resumed my regular life of going to the gym, quaker meeting, and getting chores done around the house, as well as visiting with friends, I am giving myself another big pat on the back. I’ve managed to already shave off ten pounds, I am not stress eating but am eating right, and have been working out extensively. I am really pretty awesome, and I need to realize this. I need to let this positive idea of myself soak deep into my body and mind.

I spoke with my psychiatrist, and she validated that what we accomplished with Steve’s treatments would be very challenging for an average person. I myself have a chronic mental illness, and I told her that I have my meds to thank, and her. She has been amazing in getting me on a certain “cocktail” of meds that are working for me. It has taken a couple years to dial in some of these medications, and I have suffered many side effects that I got through and that I am not experiencing currently. While walking on the treadmill this morning at the gym, I thought of her words, and I decided to give myself some credit for doing my hour and a half workout. It is so easy to compare ourselves to others, but each of us are divinely unique in our design. AA has been instrumental in this new outlook of self love and appreciation. I get to hang out with other people in the meetings that also struggle in various ways. I am an alcoholic, but I also have an eating disorder, and as I said, a mental illness. A lot of people in AA have mental illness, and it seems okay to broach this subject in meetings. Being able to talk about my mental illness and my addictions, both of alcoholism and anorexia-bulimia, is huge. I have craved an environment for decades that I could truly be myself and to be honest about the ways in which I suffer.

How can someone with schizoaffective disorder, an eating disorder, and addiction learn to love and accept themselves? Well, we can. It has taken me time, and years of work, but I can say today that I love and accept myself very much. I try and give myself credit where credit is due, and I try and speak and breathe kindness towards myself into my day. I find the less I hate myself and my body, that it has become easier to get along with others as well. The negativity is leaving, and so I feel very little negativity towards others. I feel love an acceptance for others in my life. I spend virtually zero time in resentment or dislike. What is inside me, a loving and accepting person, seems to permeate outside of myself and outward into the world. I don’t fight with my partner or family, and I become less triggered by problem people. There is all this room for love all of a sudden. But as I have said, it starts with myself. It is hard work. My body, my mental illness, my home, all must become positivity. Daily gratitude helps, but that is not all of it. One must dig deep into the tapes and messages that ourselves and the world try hard to create that are negative. I give myself permission to love myself. It is okay, and it is going to be okay. No, I am not perfect by any means, but that is not what I choose to focus on today. The next right action, the next positive belief, the next positive word or phrase, is within my grasp. I urge you today to really look at yourself and your life objectively and find a crack where you can ease in your own appreciation for you and how far you have come. If you are depressed, and that feels virtually impossible, try giving yourself the credit you deserve for putting up with the difficulty of your depression. There is always a crack, a little space where we can work in an act of self love. You are worthy today, you are phenomenal, and you deserve the love that you have to give to yourself.