Recovery is a very organic experience I have found. In a lot of ways I have been on a road of recovery since my teens. I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder in my late teens, and suffered with major depression and an eating disorder in my high school years. Despite this, I had good grades and made it into all three colleges I applied to. I went to the most prestigious and expensive of the three in Oakland, California, and was hospitalized during my second semester for a psychotic break. I pursued a second four year college, stopped taking my meds, and had a second hospitalization. I went to a total of six community colleges and later massage school. For this reason, I choose to be proud of the education that I did receive despite my lack of degrees. At 27, I found myself in alcoholics anonymous and quit drinking for a whole year. But I did not find myself back in the program until 2019, at the age of 40, and have actively pursued this program ever since. During the pandemic, I found online meetings, and I still attend them to this day. I am sober, clean off of caffeine, and am currently quitting smoking, something I have longed to achieve for decades.

Throughout all of these experiences of illness, I have also recovered many times. All my life I have pursued body positivity as a plus sized person recovering from an eating disorder. At the age of 45, I am probably the biggest I have ever been, but am the most accepting of my body that I have ever been. My diagnosis of bipolar disorder changed to schizoaffective disorder bipolar type, as the psychosis became worse throughout my life. Today, I take my medication willingly, and am proud to work regularly with a psychiatrist and therapist. I am as sober as I can be, no drugs or alcohol despite my use of tobacco, and the longer I sit with my feelings and symptoms, and the more I resist smoking a cigarette, the steadier I become. It is not always easy, but it is becoming easier. Together, Steve and I have been working towards balanced emotional wellness for some time. In 2017, I was recovering from my first mental health breakdown in nine years, and Steve became physically disabled. Together we were forced to quit work and learn to live a quiet and peaceful life. Our budget did not allow us to eat out anymore, or go to the bar. I began to cut back on my drinking considerably, and Steve had to quit drinking and smoking for his major surgery on his spine.

Since then it has been an organic process. We have both quit drinking several times, and have been cutting back on smoking, and smoking and drinking much less. I have pursued recovery meetings for over five years now, and have a sponsor in the program. All the ups and downs, and small breaks in our progress, we have arrived at today much much better than we were in 2016 when our healing journey began. And still, I can reflect on healing moments since my teens. I wrote poetry and a memoir. Painting helped me immeasurably. I took yoga soon after moving to Lopez in 2007, and committed to that for a while. I walked and walked, went to church, Quakers, and Deep Song. I meditated and prayed. And now I am a family person, and I like to go to meetings and take it easy. In the past I have worked or volunteered, but I mostly focus on taking care of myself and caretaking Steve, along with caring for my pets and sometimes my niece and nephew. It is amazing how much I have healed over the years. There is still pain, anxiety, darkness, strife, and sometimes some steps backwards. But when I focus on the entire journey, I can see how many mountains I have climbed, how far I have come, and all I have endured. I have been disabled since before I was eighteen. My entire adult life I have been learning how to live and thrive with mental illness. Because of this I have a lot of pride, and wisdom to share with myself and others. I am grateful to have lived this long and to heal alongside my many friends in the program. Today is beautiful and I have come so very far.