This transition through the end of summer has proven to be a restful time for myself and my partner. We both have been struggling for the last week or so with a lack of energy. This has caused me to soften, in a way. I am always learning, while life requires me to slow down and expect less from myself. In the slowness, I seem to become more awake. Facing the challenge, I seem to become increasingly peaceful.

This is improvement for me. I usually suffer from an intolerable need for high expectations from myself, and this proves to keep me in a chronic cycle of self-abuse that is very hard to break free from. This attitude of high expectations results in me striving for accomplishment, albeit in my simple life, while also providing a criticism that what I achieve is never enough. At the least, I could go for a couple more hikes a week, be better at meticulously scrubbing the corners of my house, or be more ambitious with my writing. 

This recent change of attitude might come from having to accept a recent disappointment. This disappointment was of considerable size, and yet it was a very sobering experience to accept said disappointment. It brought concise conclusion to what I did not realize had become a drain of my energy. It cut me down to size. It put closure on something that was ready for closure. Yes, the outcome could have been different, but I must accept this outcome that God and the universe has placed at my doorstep, and accepting this graciously, feels like accomplishment.

Who knew that what might seem like failure to some, could actually evolve into accomplishment with the proper attitude? Everyone who has had to face any sort of change or disappointment in life, knows that when God shuts a door somewhere he also opens a window. Somehow this process is here to increase flow in our lives. What had become blockage now feels as if it is flowing considerably well. It mimics the feeling of cleaning up one’s email inbox. You have been holding onto those seemingly very important emails that you really just aren’t going to read. Embracing the cut-throat action of deleting email after email feels good, and when those unread responsibilities are truly gone, invisible, and cleansed, you feel lighter. You then embrace the simplicity of just a handful of emails that fit on your screen tidily and neatly. As you let those unwanted responsibilities, opportunities, and informational texts disappear from you life, you become lighter.

I suppose there were some sad moments to this recent monumental transition. However, once I faced and processed the grief, I moved on. I found clarity applied to other areas of my life. I felt courage after becoming sure of myself and strong enough to accept failure. I then moved on to realize that I really didn’t need what had become a complication in my pursuit of a rational and simple spiritual life. As I get older, I accept a clear mind. I am also accepting the past and letting it go. My memory isn’t what it used to be, and I find myself having to say “I just don’t know what happened,” in traumatic situations where I was holding onto some semblance of piecing together a mystery by pure will power. That is it. Thy will be done. It is time to let go of control and to truly trust.