I am nervous about an upcoming bloodwork appointment. Last time I did blood work, I had some very disappointing news. Others who struggle with illness, either physical or mental, may relate to this conundrum. But it is not just the results that I am worried about (though I do hope and expect to see some improvement based upon some changes I have made in both lifestyle and medication). I am also nervous about my ability to make it through a night of fasting, which is prudent to get accurate and much needed results from my lipid panel. The lipid panel, or cholesterol and triglycerides, is the most problematic area of my blood work. Though I do have issues with my blood sugar levels and some new issues with my thyroid that have cropped up, these latter are not as serious as my cholesterol and triglycerides. My triglycerides were so high, it was not even possible to get a reading of my HDL (good cholesterol). But the great concern about fasting, is the newfound habit I have of snacking during the night. It is a side effect to be hungry when taking Seroquel, also known as Quetiapine Fumarate. I take this at night, and thus feel hungry when I awake, which I do several times in the night because I also suffer with very interrupted sleep. I was so frustrated when I tried my father’s sleep apnea machine. It was incredibly uncomfortable to have air blowing up my nostrils, and being a sensory person, I could barely tolerate it for even a minute. So, I recently decided that I would not go through with the rigamarole of doing a sleep study and evaluation, during which they would determine I have sleep apnea and would thus prescribe me a machine to use. The machines are very expensive and using one requires constant maintenance appointments. The whole thing sounds like another version of torture to me. Therapy, Psychiatry, and Dentists are already off-island appointments in multitude. Last night, I attempted to not snack, and I managed to only partake in the habit for one of my several awakenings. I plan to train myself to make it through the night by Monday, when I have a blood work appointment for a fasting lipid panel, among others.

Man, that paragraph is almost depressing. And, it is just an example of the extent of frustrating detail lived in a life of taking medications. We also constantly observe my blood sugar levels, as I have been pre-diabetic for many years now. This is common, and almost expected for someone taking the category of medications that I am on. Someone that knows me may understand why I make so much effort to be an active human being. I often run myself into the ground walking, and now dancing, and I end up pushing myself too hard in an attempt to combat high cholesterol, high triglycerides, weight gain, high blood sugars, and now hypothyroidism, though this last one may or may not be an issue as it has only shown up recently after having a stable thyroid for over a decade.

Perhaps one can see how managing one’s health when they live with serious mental illness is a full time job. I also struggle with side effects of drowsiness and fatigue, I am constantly filling and picking up the ten medications I take, I have to travel for regular therapy and psychiatry appointments (usually), in addition to the efforts made for lifestyle changes needed to combat all of the issues of which I listed above, that come about from taking the medication that keeps me out of the hospital. I still struggle with a base line level of anxiety, depression, mania and psychosis, and deal with the mental and physical effects of these mental trials that have not been fully covered by my medication. We are constantly adjusting my meds in order to get me closer to a life with less symptoms; even if that means more side effects that can also be very debilitating. The management and adjusting is constant. Mostly, we work towards having a sound mind and emotional life. The risks of diabetes, heart disease, and tardive dyskinesia, an irreversible side effect where one develops involuntary movements, mostly occurring in the tongue and face, are just a part of life. You know that character in the movies, the totally crazy person who is often a villain, and they are sticking there tongue out spasmodically (it’s how you know they are crazy)? That could be me after several years of taking some of these meds. I take 1,400 milligrams of vitamin E daily, soothing the brain tissue and neurons in order to combat the possibility of the long term irreversible side effect of tarydive dyskinesia.

Thanks for listening to me explain and explore the subtle realities in which I live. It is a gentle reminder to continue to have compassion for myself, and to not tell myself that I don’t do enough in life when I become exhausted. You know why, because these realities are challenging. But I carry on. Thank God for my loving partner, family and friends. Life is good and groovy, and bless this road that I continue to travel.