Life is constant. I have learned that minimizing tasks and simplifying things is very helpful. I live with mental illness, yes, but I know that others have also benefited from such ideals. There are the folks that live in tiny homes, that live out of backpacks and travel, or have taken on Buddhist values and let go of most of their things. I recall coming across these stories, and not all of these people suffer with illness. For me, simplicity looks like accepting retirement and thus letting go of having a job, accepting living in my small single wide and not storing belongings, and focusing on metal health every day. I got rid off lots of stuff, books, furniture, and knick knacks when I moved into this house. I try to not collect stuff; however clutter goes beyond material positions. Simplifying my life looks like relinquishing goals that are associated with pride or the ego. Accepting that working out, feeding myself, taking care of my relationship and animals, cleaning house, yard work, maintaining a blog, being responsive to family, committing to attending my twelve step program three times a week as well as taking on a leadership roll during this quarantine with AA, and seeing a psychiatrist and therapist is more than enough. It is hard to explain, because in a way the shifts have been subtle. But the work that I am doing, real personal work within the program, is helping me go deeper, and find the root to some of my suffering. Schizoaffective disorder requires me to manage a gamut of medication, but there is still opportunity to improve my behavior and manage my addiction.

I am struggling less with my body image issues for one. I commented to Steve that I feel like I have spent the last twenty years trying not to be fat. With medication side effects and metabolic syndrome (caused by PCOS and ultimately medication side effects), it seems no matter how hard I try, I only ever make a dent in my body weight and size. Over the years, I have fluctuated, but ultimately added some pounds. I have always been fairly active, sometimes exceedingly so, though I have had friends assume that I don’t exercise because of my weight. Fat phobia and discrimination is a very real and present occurrence in our society. I feel grateful that I have maintained the weight that I have despite my challenges. I have also tried many diets, though do very little of this anymore. Dieting, and fat shaming oneself, can be a prison that is hard to break out of, and even more so for those with a history of eating disorders, of which I had in high school. But letting go of these issues, making peace with myself, and ultimately learning to love myself more regarding my body size, is just breaking the surface. I have deep unresolved issues regarding rage and rejection in association with being seriously mentally ill, and trauma from early circumstances of both sexual and physical assault in my young adulthood when I was a much smaller person. There is also general fear and anxiety, of which many people experience in their day to day. Most of my life before AA was set up to manage these things, and I used drinking as a coping mechanism. Giving up alcohol and taking on the principles and tools of the program, as well as seriously simplifying my life, is allowing me to finally make real progress. Some things might always stay the same, and part of making progress is accepting this. I am overweight, I am a smoker, I am disabled, and I don’t work. I don’t see any of these things changing anytime soon. However, much is changing under the surface. These subtleties are apparent in how I approach my day-to-day. They say that God is in the details, and I see this more and more. I can become proud of accomplishing the smallest of tasks, and this helps me build a sense of self-worth.

Layers upon layers, roots that go so very deep. In the beginning the drop seems endless and one cannot fathom even seeing the bottom of the mote. But as the waters clear, one learns that there is an end, a bottom to our grief, anger, trauma and troubles, one does not fear so greatly as the roots and riverbed become apparent, and we find a way across the mote to our shining inner castle. For me this looks like majorly simplifying my life tasks, and actively engaging in simplicity in every moment. One soon realizes that less is more. This looks like me bringing love and awareness to difficulty in my life such as fat shaming myself and accepting this from the world (most of it came in by me letting it affect me and adding to the shame). Also quitting drinking and engaging in a twelve step program where I have learned skills and have found so much support, while sitting with the difficult feelings, has helped. Acceptance acceptance acceptance, and love love love. It feels so cliche when someone points out that love is the answer, and sometimes we get tired of hearing this. But when you feel self-love in your heart and in your body, and you become sensually aware of what “they” are talking about, one enters this gentle knowing. Life is not easy. Focusing on simplicity and applying this regularly and multifariously to our every day lives is just one key that may help us grow, heal, and ultimately become happy human beings.