This winter season on Lopez, the first five days of December, have been beautiful. Personally, I haven’t been taking long walks on the road as I usually would, because I have been dancing in my living room, doing 30 minute workouts with Body Groove. This newish practice has me using and moving my body in ways that the usual walking doesn’t. The intuitive aspect of making up my own moves has leant to an inner expression, while moving my whole body. It is not only good for my circulatory system, but also my soul and my mind. I seem to be able to discipline myself to some degree to keep up the dancing, where I usually fall short with a yoga practice. The music and the rhythm are what calls me. I move some furniture out of the way, roll up the rug, and open all the windows. The last couple of days, as I hang from the window frame, catch my breath, and stare out the open window… in these moments, I feel healthy.

I have felt healthy in other ways, as well. I have little need for anything negative in my life, and if I find those around me emitting toxicity in any form, I separate myself, and I find myself unaffected by something that is happening around me. I think it does effect me on some level. Still, in not engaging with it, I observe myself experiencing peace and serenity. They talk about this is my program. I’m not sure that we always believe, as we say the serenity prayer, that we will actually experience this, still we pray and say the words. And then I find myself experiencing peace and happiness. I observe that I am no longer worrying. I find myself experiencing confidence in my abilities. I find myself accepting my flaws with compassion.

Probably the biggest shift that I have experienced since entering a twelve-step program, is that I really am only worried about my own issues. I am not saying that I don’t listen to and have compassion for other’s suffering. And sometimes, I do pick on Steve’s smoking, something that I do in greater abundance. I also occasionally become concerned for those I love. But truly, I know nothing, nor do I claim to know anything, about anyone’s issues but my own. I make a business of working on my problems. I blog, I go to therapy, I read, I write letters, and I attend 3-5 support meetings a week. I have learned that it is me that I need to work on. I have learned that it is me that I can fix, or for which to pray to God for serenity. And with my peri-menopausal brain, which is quite humorous, I can state with full confidence, that I really know nothing about anybody’s issues but my own. This includes Steve. I don’t pretend to know crap about my husband. I just love him, respect him, and try to set an example when in doubt. In truth, I have found making my issues my business and priority, that I have a lot to learn from my loving husband, and probably very little to teach. This is why I fell in love with the man.

So as another clear night blesses the skies above me, I simmer and melt into this little home that has become my universe during these Covid times, and I look forward to stepping out to see a constellation, planet or satellite as I stare up in wonderment, and am sobered and humbled that the feet that I am standing in are a mystery. I have plenty to do within myself. And I feel unbothered with anything and everything that is beyond my very own skin.