I have a mental illness. Sometimes this is an important thing to say to myself out loud. It is like one can forget, even when one’s life is orchestrated to focus on mental improvement, basic health, and taking one’s meds every day. Mental illness is with me every day. It is with me when I wake in the morning and fight side effects of drowsiness and fatigue to put on my boots and reflective vest, and walk to town for my daily escapade down the country roads of Lopez Island. It is with me when I am at a support group, talking with friends, taking care of my four year-old niece, and working on my writing. It is such a part of me, that I can forget what it means to be mentally ill. Most of the time, my life is fluid and enjoyable. I overcome the obstacles, I master basic tasks and skills, and I am empathetic and get along well with others. But there are also times when my illness becomes very apparent. Like the way a landscape can become covered with snow. The world looks completely different virtually over-night, and all of the little creatures that live in the woods around my property that scoot along unnoticed, all of sudden cannot escape without every track becoming evidence. Things are crystal clear in the severity of contrast. I suddenly am reminded that I live with an illness that is unexplainable even to myself. I then must make the necessary observations of my life and illness, which feel like a mystery, so that I can improve at dealing with the symptoms next time they arise. Then, like after a thick snow, the landscape can warm once again, and transform completely. It is back to regularity, and one can barely imagine the crystalline snow that blanketed nearly everything.

While it is easy to forget what it is like to experience painful and acute symptoms of schizoaffective disorder/ bi-polar type, it can be even harder for those around me to remember. This is why we must have a support system consisting of a doctor, therapist, peer counselor, and many support groups, ideally. These last couple of days, I had some difficulty that was a result of two basic ingredients. I became exhausted from two weeks in a row, taking a full day off-island, while not amply resting, and continuing to push myself to walk and get things done. In additional to this general life fatigue, I accidentally shorted myself a medication one evening by one pill; one-third of the prescribed dose. Without this much needed medication in my system, I slipped into what I recognize as bipolar/depressive symptoms. My energy level became nil, my mood aggressive and agitated, and tears of sadness came unexplainably and generously. I was able to muscle my way into a balanced state in just two days time, but for the less experienced patient/consumer, this behavior can start a pattern or a rut which can deepen quickly if not accurately assessed and nurtured.

A little snow storm hit, you could say, but now the snow cover is quickly melting, and my energy is returning. One thing I have done to fight the agitation and depression, is journaling, and exploring ways to engage with gratitude. I found that I am grateful to have secured myself stable housing for now and the future, because I practice wellness, have fostered good relationships with my parents, and I manage my general life, chores, and finances responsibly. Being grateful for housing is no small thing. Many people, whether they suffer with mental illness or not, struggle with this very basic need. My twelve-step program also speaks of how a humble attitude in life can lend to an ability to live gracefully with a higher power. Today I had to fight the bed, and resist lying down no matter what. I also struggle with quantifying my value mechanistically. I must learn to value myself for who I am, as a loving and empathetic human being, not for how many chores I get done or how much exercise I partake in. Days can look very different one to the next for all of us, but as I explained with the metaphor of snow, the landscape of one’s life can become completely transformed while struggling with mental illness diagnosis.