It has been a week of recovery. I fell ill on my birthday from some seafood, but it did not stop there. Two days in a row of shrimp and smoked salmon around my birthday led to four days of stomach pain and weakness. I had two days of wellness, though I did have my period during that time. I then found myself eating smoked salmon again, and had a terrible reaction that led to over 24 hours of severe discomfort in my abdomen and a lot of gas, coupled with fatigue and feverishness. The pain is now gone, though I am still weak. The pattern lends to adverse reaction to the seafood, though I am not certain. I see a naturopath tomorrow, and am looking forward to evaluation and some advice on how to get my gut back to optimal health. 

Last week I wrote about grief that I had on my birthday at night while suffering the second of the three reactions. I know that my compromised physical condition led to the lack of sleep. Also, in the late night hours of discomfort, too many thoughts filled my head. Coupled with the timeline of my fortieth birthday, and the gateway that implies, I found myself passing through its doors while remembering the psychological pain and suffering I endured in my twenties and thirties. I have come a long way on my healing journey. Putting out the book written between 2014 and 2016 which reflected on a time of wellness and recovery on Lopez, as well as sharing much of my journey in written form, a healing took place from birthing this manuscript to the world in all its transparency. The healing journey took a turn in the Spring of 2016, marking the end of the book while reflecting on a time of psychosis and struggle. I put the book out while finding new definition to my path in 2017. This path has taken the form of a new dedication to a life of wellness.

My book, Glass Slippers, described coming to terms with seeing my mental illness as a gift. A concept I reflected on further while recovering from my break in 2016 and writing my second book, Questing Sanity, still not in print. It was as if in Glass Slippers, I introduced the concept, and reveled on it for several years, as it was a recurring theme through my blog posts during that time. I suppose facing my psychotic mortality again in 2016, and being crippled by all that goes into recovering from a major episode, I found myself sitting in the woods, morning after morning for months on end, and writing upon the reflections that would come to me. I took these concepts of redefining myself as gifted and valuing myself as a child of god explored in Glass Slippers, a step further into realizing what that truly meant. What are these gifts I was referring to? I worked through, while bonding with nature and practicing meditation and stillness, the barriers that still remained between me and exploring myself as gifted. I now am continuing upon this ever evolving journey, as a spirit warrior for myself and others that fall to this fate. I feel courage to spread the truth and encourage others to ditch the lies that they may have swallowed in believing they are weak or flawed while suffering with mental illness.

My recent physical illness required me to slow. Life was picking up with speed, and though April 1st was upon us, marking the end to a very at risk time of year, almost in the clear, I had recently struggled with a few moments of fear for my mental wellness this spring. I found myself taking so much pride in doing things, that even though I keep strict rules around not doing too much, I worried that my compulsivity with achievement was resurrecting to show its very dangerous face at a very inopportune moment. My sudden experience with three possible allergic reactions to seafood put a halt on my life. I was forced to reflect, to feel my physical weakness and was reminded of my fragility and the beauty that can exist in such sensitivities. I am learning to not mistake sensitivity for weakness. I am learning to exchange the words mental illness for heightened perception, aptitude for wisdom, propensity for compassion and love. So, here are to the gifts of spring. Whether you are sensing grief in the air, whether you find yourself with weakness in your knees, confusion in your heart and mind, or you just choose to still yourself with all of the beauty that is birthing around us at every turn in the natural world, see your experience as a gift, and love yourself even more for being able to have the experience you are having. Because like the daffodils, that come in so many different types and shapes and hues of yellow and white, we are all beautiful; in our happiness and joy, and in our grief and sorrow alike.