There is something on my mind, and the only way I know how to deal with it, is to write. Yesterday and this morning, I felt fatigue in my legs. This was frustrating, because I have been working out at the gym for almost three months, and my hope was for my legs to get stronger. My legs are stronger in actuality, and I feel this most of the time. But my bout of fatigue brought sadness upon my being. Coupled with some bad news from the Psychiatrist yesterday regarding my blood work, I am ever reminded how challenging it is to live with my mental disorder.

I am on medications that cause drowsiness and fatigue. Mostly, while experiencing drowsiness in the mornings over these last couple of months, I have had to push through this intense and often debilitating side effect, to get to the gym or out for a walk in the morning in order to get my blood pumping, and so that I actually do start my day and I don’t spend the entire morning lazing around and wanting to stay in bed. It has been challenging, and the symptoms have lessened gradually over the couple of months, as I adjust to this new doze of Quetiapine Fumarate/ Seroquel. And yet, on the ferry off-island, and this morning, I experienced a weakness and a fatigue in my legs coupled with the usual drowsiness. I still pushed myself out the door today, and all in all, I actually walked to the gym, did a half-hour workout that included some stretches, and then walked home. It was not easy, but today was one of the few days I had to make it to the gym this week due to illness, an off island trip, and a volunteer shift at the Library tomorrow. Because the fatigue seems to have returned, I have to allow time to recover and prepare for activities such as going off island, or working two hours at the Library. I persevered anyway, despite the feeling of being tired and weakness in my body.

I just have to complain for a moment, and my writing is allowing me to do this. It is so hard to overcome these side effects, and there are also symptoms I experience. I have no other option than to push myself, but I must be easy with myself while learning to allow rest in my day, as I discussed in my last blog. But there are days where I am baffled by the amount of difficulty I endure feeling what I feel with these challenges. Somehow, I must give myself a gold star for effort. I mowed the lawn and cleaned up the yard Monday, gathered with family, endured feeling under the weather, went for small walks, successfully had a full day off island, and worked out the gym twice, all between Monday and Friday this week. Tomorrow I will work a shift at the Library. But the message that I truly need to send myself, is that I am doing impeccable despite my situation and challenges. I am not drinking, I am taking my medications every night, and I am enduring the side effects because the meds relieve symptoms which are terrible to suffer through. My mind is mostly clear and resting, even when I do feel the emotional weight of “Why me?” or “This again!” The fatigue in my legs eventually goes away, the grogginess and drowsiness wears off a bit, and I can be with my husband and enjoy the day. You really are doing quite well living with what you live with, Emily, and I am proud of you.

I needed to write this blog today to reassure and comfort myself. Those of you that read my words, allow me to expose my struggle and hardship with mental illness, and help bring light to the secret world many of us deal with being on so many medications. I do my best to stay healthy, and though I am swimming up a torrential river against the tide, every drop in the bucket matters; it has to. I tell myself this, and I carry on, grateful to god and all that travel this road with me.