It has been a productive day. It is easy when you have no obligations, nothing calling you away. I have needed that for some time, though I have been slightly ill, my life has been full, and today was gentle repose. I did minor decluttering, organizing, and just felt good about tending the daily chores with a cadence that was meditative and soothing. I went on two walks, but never got in a car. I also always notice how the mood of my animals elevates when I am present, even if I am not doting over them every moment. I feel at tune with my surroundings. Yes, I have required a little medication to relax and cull the manic mood that has crept in this last week. My birthday tomorrow, we are in the middle of our explosive manic-depressive spring. In like a lion, out like a lamb. Every day is something different, sunny skies filled with obscuring clouds, one moment warm, one moment chilly. Frost in the morning, or day long rains. In the chaos, I am dreaming, crying, visioning, and processing. It is dissonant and beautiful at the same time. Glorious flowers are showing their blooms and trees are creeping in new growth. We are at the beginning of a change that will go on for several more months, as the earth only grows greener, the days and evenings warmer, and the days longer. 

I am changing. I am dreaming of music and singing, in a way that I have not for some time. My guitar sits in my living room and I plan to make a goal to pick it up once a day. A door is opening, I am healing. I have been deeply intuitive and can feel myself gravitating my soft being to things and desires that make me come alive instead of restrict me. Writing is also exploding from my being, and I am gaining confidence with every book I sell. The bashful, timid self is dissolving in the spring waters that are all-around. The ground is saturated and the roots are dinking gulps of cold clean rain water. I too am full, saturated and overflowing.

Still, today I feel strangely calm for the first time in a week. Yes, I had another moon time, though this month was much easier, still, I give myself a wide birth at this time of the month. Still struggling with a cold and mild cramps, I pushed on. And now I am coming out of this. Illness can teach so much. Sometimes it is time to sleep, or rest in bed and read a book. Sometimes we must carry on, especially if it is just a cold or a period. I performed on stage a song at the local talent show, and even though I did not feel good, I pushed through. I am proud that I am able to take care of business, perform, visit with friends, and participate in what I truly want to do with other people during the week; and this is all because I have reached a point where my medications are working, balanced and level. It took nine months to achieve this on this new medication, and I am so glad I have finally arrived. All of the difficult moments these last nine months and prior that were due to dealing with more of my illness than I really have to if I am well medicated, were teachable moments. I have discovered much this last year about myself. Still, I am glad we are through this. The most potent lesson, is that I can do what I want to and discover, continue to discover and rediscover who I am. I own this creative process and I rule this life. I am ready now. To claim my adulthood once again and make up my own rules, shed the old conditioning and expectations, and give myself the love I really need and deserve. This is what I have come out with after the re-claiming of my life these two year’s following “Break ’16”. Two years later, spring is here once again, and I am able to journey with the flow of manic depressive March with resilience and insight, protected by medications and much learned elasticity along the way.